After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.
This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.
Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”
“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.
When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.
In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.