Old Morrison Named Oldest Morrison in 2015 Census

LEXINGTON,KY – The US Census Bureau officially named Old Morrison the oldest Morrison in the United States. The result came as no surprise as Old Morrison, which is entering its 182nd year, surpassed the runner up, John Henry Morrison, by 84 years. Old Morrison had long been the second oldest Morrison, behind the town of Morrison, Virginia. After the town collapsed due to overwhelming debt, it was expected that our own Old Morrison was due to take over as the Oldest Morrison.

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When interviewed, John Morrison seemed relatively unsurprised. “Well, I can’t really compete with a building,” Morrison said in between bites of applesauce, “But I still have hope for next year.”

Back Circle Exposed

LEXINGTON, KY – Geometry Professor Confirms: Back Circle is in fact not a circle. “I looked at the angles, and it just didn’t add up,” said Dr. Martin Kalowitz, “I’m almost led to believe that if anything, it’s an oval. Maybe an ellipse. Maybe.”

Winter Woes

LEXINGTON, KY – Unidentified human remains have been found on campus following the recent storm. When asked to clean up the body, physical plant commented, “File a maintenance request and we will get to it later.”

WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGE

skeleton

Because Every Fox News Needs Its Onion

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