Category Archives: Uncategorized

Romanian Immigration Site Crashes As Transylvania Students & Faculty Look For New Home

Trying to find a safe haven in Romania? Think again. As the electoral college started turning red, Transylvania University’s blue campus looked for a place to relocate. One student was quoted as saying, “Canada is nice and all but Transylvania will always be my home. If I can’t have it in the U.S. I’ll gladly have it overseas.” Another student enthusiastically chimed in, “I’d gladly take Vlad the Impaler as my supreme ruler over Donald Trump.”

This does raise big questions for a university that is already struggling to keep and retain students. The Transylvania Administration has issued a statement saying they will gladly set up a new institution of learning and higher achievement in the Transylvania Region of Romania. The administration’s official release has been provided for all to read:

“For numerous years people have associated Transylvania University with Romania: Dracula, the Transylvania Region and Bats. Today and effective immediately, it is our pleasure to announce Transylvania University will be moving all operations to Romania. Romania has met all of our requirements to establish higher learning like old glorious buildings and dilapidated residence spaces and tombs but it also has things which can truly make our university great like pedestrian-only walkways. And, don’t worry, we have checked, SODEXO can conduct business in Romania so we can still have home cooked meals at night.”

As Transy starts this relocation process, problems are already starting to arise. Problem one, the Romanian immigration website has crashed and students and faculty alike don’t know when it will be up again. Problem two is getting there. The University has started a plane registration system on TNET for students to find seats on planes to take them to Romania but there are simply not enough seats and not enough planes. Freshman are struggling to register and find seats while seniors are overjoyed they got into a plane of their choice.

Always yours

Dawn Holteruhmp

University To Demolish New Buildings, Sell Tickets To Balance Budget

In a surprising turn, the university administration has decided to pursue a new business plan to keep both tuition and academic aid rates the same for forthcoming years. How you might ask? An undisclosed source within the administration provided some background knowledge.

“Admission numbers are dropping and I don’t think anyone but a select few individuals know. We all started to ask, why do we need these new buildings if our enrollment numbers are never going to increase? Clearly if we build it, they won’t come. We’ve tried that logic and it doesn’t work.”

The financial plan proposed during the new business meeting offered a quick solution to fix the looming debt.

“We looked at the books, checked them once, then checked it twice, saw our mistake was more naughty than nice, and we decided to bring this plan to town. We call it Demolate Davis 2.0”

So what is Demolate Davis 2.0?

“Demolate Davis 2.0 is exactly what it sounds like.” After no further elaboration, a question and answer session told the press that Demolate Davis 2.0 was a plan to demolish the two unfinished buildings and sell tickets for the demolition to the Lexington public so that the university can bring in a revenue to cover the construction debt. From there, the scrapped material will be sold and contribute to student academic aid rates.

“It’s going to be huge. This demolition, a great demolition, we know our demolitions. We’ve done it once and we’ll do it twice. We’re going to get the same construction company working on it.” As of now there have been delays in the demolition process.

However, the planned demolition has tentatively been scheduled for December 25th – just after construction is said to be complete. “I think the greatest present we can give to our community is the glamor and spectacle of two buildings being demolished. And who knows, we’ve found mold in the other building so the audience may get a free encore…”

– Dawn Holterhumph

 

Greeks Grossly Promote Geometry, Higher Forms

It is time for the Shambler to come out of the darkness of our secret writing lab and improve our journalism. Namely, we want to get inside scoop and really get to know our students as opposed to drawing our broad opinions based on a few vague observations. That’s why we’re making this the first part of a one-part series about Transy student life.

The first concern we were told when interviewing students was about one of Transy’s most elitist cliques, the Pythagoreans, whose alleged elitism has really generated a discussion on the exclusivity of greek life. English major Margaret Dragon had this to say to the Shambler about the Transy’s most infamous inner circle.

“Yeah, I’ve personally never talk to the Pythagoreans in my life but I know for sure that they create ingroups and outgroups, you know? Just yesterday I followed them to their rooms and overheard them talking about sacred geometry. These greek societies keep wonderful, esoteric benefits like these to themselves and it just really bothers me, you know?”

We spoke to one of the Pythagoreans themselves, sister Kaelly Thomasse about the issue.

“Anybody who calls out our greek ways assuredly misunderstands our secret lives and the values we uphold that we learn during our secret ritual. Not that squares have any special significance to us. Or that we think squares are sacred. I’ve personally never made plans with groups of four people including myself on principle. J-j-just making sure you know!”

Our interviewers could easily tell that greek society at large was in a tizzy over the issue of cliques like that of the Pythagoreans. To investigate further, we interviewed an independent Greek shipping maven, Macedonus Holotopolis, on his thoughts about the Pythagoreans’ savage exclusivity and unsophisticated ideals.

“Man, I really wish I could know what those Pythagoreans are up to. They hold public banquets and host charity events for the Spartans, but I’ve never been to any! I have to disagree with their logic, though. Their belief in higher forms is problematic, because what I perceive is more important than the truer forms of geometry.”

What can the Shambler gather from all this? We’re not really sure. Stay tuned for our next interview series, where we interview the undead Spirits of Sandella’s.

-Richard Crossfield

Men’s Recruitment Style Guide

Getting an invitation to lifelong brotherhood is only possible through the right style. Follow our men’s recruitment style guide closely to make it to bid day.

Meet the Greeks

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Coke Parties

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On Campus

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Spirit Night

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Smoker

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Bid day

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– Burris Jenkins

Red Bang Bang Customer Just Happy to Find Actual Meat in Meal

Lexington’s cheapest Chinese cuisine has achieved a great deal of publicity after a customer claimed to have been served a dead mouse — and it’s done the restaurant wonders. Over the past year Red Bang Bang’s corporate big-wigs radically altered its entire business model by increasing scoops of Chinese classics from $1 to an outrageous $1.10, and only keeping their doors open until 10pm instead of the usual 3am close. These changes devastated their late-night college customers and weakened the appeal of Red Bang Bang, until now. Rumors have spread swiftly of the restaurant allegedly serving 100% natural Bluegrass meat, and thousands have heard.

An excerpt from the customer’s Yelp review explained:

bang bang

Reports indicate that some Lexingtonians are pitching tents in front of the Maxwell Street business, craving rodent delicacies with their chicken-fried rice as soon as doors (hopefully) open Monday.

– Burris Jenkins

Secretary Hillary Clinton Spotted In Back Caf

Campus is abuzz today as media coverage flocks to the Clive M. Beck Center to anxiously await an appearance of “The Candidate for The Youths” Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Excitement is reaching fever pitch as jazzed Pioneers, giddy DPS officers, and ambivalent professors will soon pack the gym. Clinton is prepared to tear up the main court almost as bad as the Division III athletic teams that ball out there – hoping to get voters on her bench. Before her 7:00 rally, the Secretary of State dined at Transy’s hottest dining option: the Caf. Clinton approached one student to ask “where the Youths grab a bite and kick back,” which led her to farthest and darkest corner of the edgy, hub of millennial life known as Back Caf. After chowing down on some Raisin Bran and splurging on 2 whole french fries, she brushed off her light blue pantsuit and then grotesquely dabbed an unassuming Sodexo employee.

Clinton’s Lexington visit will be an extended tour, as she plans to “do some shooty hoops” in the upstairs recreation gym for a game of intramural sports ball, as well as “get schwifty” at the nearby West Sixth Brewery.

Senator Sanders was also spotted on campus today, exchanging gossip with Miss Erica and taking a long drag from a pipe in Smoking Circle.

– Burris Jenkins

BREAKING: Culprit Behind the Forrer Flood Discovered

Lexington–
Last Saturday, residents of Forrer Hall were surprised by a sudden surge of floodwaters. Spilling out of a bathroom stall, a high pressure stream of water spat gallon after gallon of water onto the floor. It didn’t take long for the water to become ankle deep, working its way down from the third floor, all the way to the computer lab in the basement. Damages were widespread; student property, campus computers, furniture, and infrastructure were all affected by the unwanted water.

To deal with the damages, a team was created out of a combination of DPS officers, RA’s, and an emergency disaster protection group. Members of each group worked around the clock to make sure that the students were safe and the water was stopped. By the time the water was stopped, the leading theory was that corroded pipes had caused the damage.

However, we here at the Shambler have discovered a much more sinister truth:
The flood was caused by none other than the 3rd Davis Basilisk, which until recently was thought to have vacated campus after being discovered living on the Pike Hall last year.

One eyewitness, who requested anonymity, recounted the situation; “There I was, brushing my teeth, trying to forget about the horrors of finals week, when I suddenly heard a strange whispering sound. I went around the corner to investigate, when it erupted from the bathroom stall in a huge explosion of water. I mean, it was pretty clearly a Basilisk, and thankfully I was just trying to get the Snapchat, so I didn’t actually make eye contact.”

The story seems to line up with widespread reports of Basilisk-related injuries that had been circulating throughout Forrer all year. Some students had been found completely petrified in various locations, such as the bathrooms, the hallways, and in some cases, their own rooms.

“In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious that it was the Basilisk causing problems again,” said senior Clark Murray, “Though we did blame the petrification on the normal things, like Caf food, the flu, or that blackish mold that likes to grow in the Forrer rooms.. You know the stuff.”

Since eyewitnesses have begun to spring up, DPS has once again coordinated a search effort with the Quidditch team. The Shambler will be back with updates as the story develops.

– Reuben Cave

Great Sphinx’s Missing Nose Found Up Delta Sig’s Ass

Archaeologists made an earth-shattering discovery this weekend when they finally found the location of the Great Sphinx of Giza’s missing nose, putting an end to a mystery that predates modern times. What is most surprising to experts, however, is not that the nose was found at all, but rather the location in which it was found–the asses of the members of Delta Sigma Phi Beta Mu.

“It’s shocking, really,” said Dr. Chris Begley, Associate Professor of Anthropology at Transylvania University and (probably) an expert on the Great Sphinx. “To think that the sphinx’s nose was located not in the west bank of the Nile at all, but rather distributed throughout one hundred wannabe frat boys’ assholes, defies every bit of conventional archaeological wisdom.”

The find was made when senior Jared Brewer, long accused of having a stick up his ass, finally stopped to check. What he found was not a stick but rather a jagged shard of limestone. Upon reporting the find to chapter Health & Wellness chair Justin Wright, Wright ordered the entire fraternity to stop and investigate their own derrières. The found limestone fragments were then reassembled into the sphinx’s nose.

The nose is currently on display in the Morlan Gallery, where it is expected to draw record handfuls of visitors via first years seeking Creative Engagements credit, before it will be returned to Egypt to be reattached to the statue’s face.

Reports that the chapter will attempt to parlay this discovery into even more media attention are unconfirmed.

 
— Alva Woods

Philosophy Major Forced to Steal Textbooks for Ethics Class

A suspect believed to be responsible for last week’s bookstore robbery has been taken into custody. D.P.S. claims that senior philosophy major M.J. Meade stole four books from the store, valuing over 900 dollars. The books, Meade claims, were for his Ethical Theory class. When asked for comment, Meade had the following to say, “Is it so wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread in order to feed his starving family? As a philosophy major, I felt that I needed to be able to answer this question since I’ll probably be in this exact situation in the nearish future. Within the books, I sought to find this answer. Only now can I finally begin to see the possible moral implications of what I’ve done.”

Meade has thus far refused to admit any wrongdoing on his own part, claiming that he is unable to make this judgment until he has completed the course.

A spokesperson for the bookstore, released the following statement: “We here at Follett are simply mortified by these actions and cannot begin to understand the compulsion to cheat a business out of its hard-earned money. This is simply unacceptable. Those books had value, even if Amazon does sell them at prices that are comically low compared to ours.”

The anonymous tipster who aided in Meade’s capture was reportedly rewarded with a bookstore gift card valuing $50 or, as it applies to its recipient, ¼ of a Lifetime Fitness textbook.

-Abraham Drake

Geopolitical Change In Cafeteria Leads To New Dark Age

The back of the Forrer Dining hall, or the Caf though plentiful in meetings between administrators and the favorite spot of Dark Arts Professor Don Dugi, is infamous for its lack of Wi-Fi, lighting, and quality social interactions. Yet at the same time it has existed in a harmonious balance with the more popular front of the Caf as the Yin to its Yang, the sun to its moon. 

Thanks to a recent decision by Sodexo, this balance has been disrupted and as a result the geopolitics of the once united ‘Caf’ have been disrupted forever. Back Caf’s only reliable export, the cereal and milk we all know we can fall back on when the Caf just doesn’t try, have been moved next to the soda machine in Front Caf. The spot where the cereal and milk once were is now occupied by the Gluten-Free foods section.

Shambler writers recently interviewed Latin American History Professor Greg Bocketti  to voice his concerns on the situation:

“You see this exact situation in resource-driven economies. It creates vulnerability and instability for decades upon decades to come. This is going in the Rambler, right?”

Our top Political Analysts, in tandem with Bocketti’s conceptualization of the situation predict that the Gluten-Free Food and Cereal Swap will keep front and back Caf from engaging in any sort of economic exchange in the near or distant future. Assassinations, coups, and bankruptcy are incredibly likely for whatever new regime comes to power in back caf. Thanks to the Gluten-Free section a hipster culture is likely to flourish in back caf. While Back Caf endures this period of tribulation, Front Caf will likely prosper thanks to the additions of milk and cereal and attract even more people; thus creating the single greatest instance of human migration since India and Pakistan split. The dichotomy of wealth between Front and Back Caf will be so large that Donald Trump will be envious that he wasn’t responsible for it.

Forrer Dining Hall’s future is uncertain. All we know is that the geopolitics of the Caf have been unalterably changed.

Front-Caf goers however have reacted fairly positively to the situation however. “Yeah, I don’t know why but I can’t help thinking that our way of life over here is just superior to that of Back Caf. Whenever I go to Front Caf I have these weird visions of Confederate Flags if I look at the 1st floor Forrer rooms that overlook the Caf and that just reminds me that sometimes it’s okay to split, ya know?”

– Henry Bidleman Bascom