Category Archives: Transy News

Campus news covering all things Transy in the 40508, Whether it actually happened or not is trivial, we’re reporting it.

BREAKING:Transylvania Dean Colluding With Centre Admissions Ambassadors

After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.

This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.

Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”

“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.

When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.

In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.

-Reuben Cave

BREAKING: Culprit Behind the Forrer Flood Discovered

Lexington–
Last Saturday, residents of Forrer Hall were surprised by a sudden surge of floodwaters. Spilling out of a bathroom stall, a high pressure stream of water spat gallon after gallon of water onto the floor. It didn’t take long for the water to become ankle deep, working its way down from the third floor, all the way to the computer lab in the basement. Damages were widespread; student property, campus computers, furniture, and infrastructure were all affected by the unwanted water.

To deal with the damages, a team was created out of a combination of DPS officers, RA’s, and an emergency disaster protection group. Members of each group worked around the clock to make sure that the students were safe and the water was stopped. By the time the water was stopped, the leading theory was that corroded pipes had caused the damage.

However, we here at the Shambler have discovered a much more sinister truth:
The flood was caused by none other than the 3rd Davis Basilisk, which until recently was thought to have vacated campus after being discovered living on the Pike Hall last year.

One eyewitness, who requested anonymity, recounted the situation; “There I was, brushing my teeth, trying to forget about the horrors of finals week, when I suddenly heard a strange whispering sound. I went around the corner to investigate, when it erupted from the bathroom stall in a huge explosion of water. I mean, it was pretty clearly a Basilisk, and thankfully I was just trying to get the Snapchat, so I didn’t actually make eye contact.”

The story seems to line up with widespread reports of Basilisk-related injuries that had been circulating throughout Forrer all year. Some students had been found completely petrified in various locations, such as the bathrooms, the hallways, and in some cases, their own rooms.

“In retrospect, it seems pretty obvious that it was the Basilisk causing problems again,” said senior Clark Murray, “Though we did blame the petrification on the normal things, like Caf food, the flu, or that blackish mold that likes to grow in the Forrer rooms.. You know the stuff.”

Since eyewitnesses have begun to spring up, DPS has once again coordinated a search effort with the Quidditch team. The Shambler will be back with updates as the story develops.

– Reuben Cave

Transy Administration: “We’re Just Doing Whatever The Hell UK Does Now”

“If It Works For UK, It’ll Surely Work For Us!” was announced as the official motto for Transylvania University this morning, as the past year of marketing and development has tirelessly striven to be a tiny mirror image of the big University down the street.

UK Director of Marketing Miguel Snarks, who recently caught on to the trend in Transy’s efforts had this to say:

“I really don’t understand, we’re talking 1,000 students and 21,000 students – it’s like comparing apples to some fruit 20x the size of an apple. How would it make any sense to make changes to the tight-knit community, tradition, and operation of Transylvania based on what kinda works for the University of Kentucky? Whatever, they’ll run themselves out of money in no time.”

In response, Transylvania impulsively threw large sums of cash towards:

  • Renovating the ancient Cowgill building
  • Another 2 tons of grass for the unavoidable dirt worn path in front of Haupt
  • Constructing a massive, slightly larger 6-story library
  • Not more professors
  • Adding several more floors to the most underused building on campus
  • Student Activities Board hosted laser tag // manned moon missions

But not to be forgotten, the Communications Office dumped $150,000 on a unique logo that truly captures the spirit of D3-trying-to-be-D1 athletics: ukbanner4

“Apply now, because we’ll be bankrupt by Wednesday!” brightly announces a banner outside of the Admissions Office, hanging by one struggling thumbtack.

– Burris Jenkins

 

 

Aaron Roberts Devastated Over McKee Departure

LEXINGTON, KY – Aaron Roberts opens the door to his office slowly, the hinges whining. The dusty Campus Center office betrays obvious neglect. Roberts takes his place behind his desk, not bothering to turn on the lights. On the desk, a picture of he and Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, smiling proudly at the Involvement Fair. It’s evident he did not bother to clean before our interview. 

“I’m starting to accept it,” Roberts said between heavy pulls of a bottle of sparkling water, “but it hasn’t been easy.”

He is referring, of course, to the imminent departure of Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership. Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, announced recently his plan to move to Texas to start a family.

“Without me.” interjects Roberts.

Scattered about the office are certain souvenirs from their time together. Pictures from IFC Meetings adorn the walls, on his bookshelf sits a baseball from their games of catch, and on his lamp hangs a lay from their Hawaiian vacation.

“We’ve had some good times, but now they’re over, they’re all ov..” said Roberts before breaking down into sobs.

Finally regaining composure, Roberts says, “I hope its true what they say, ‘there are plenty of Directors of Student Involvement and Leadership in the sea.’”

-Horace Holley

12 Mascot Ideas That Also Make No Sense

Not to be outdone by UK’s recent blunderous athletics logo, Transy is taking a confusing crack at the mascot game. Luckily our two options don’t resemble bird intercourse, but many Pioneers (at least for now that’s what we’re called) are wondering “why?” Here are some other mascot ideas that make a little more sense.

  1. Transylvania Gender-Neutral, Trigger-Safe Vampires
  2. University of Louisville Ladies of the Night
  3. Transylvania Hyper Homosexual Bats
  4. Centre Robotic Vanilla Nether-Fiends
  5. The University of Kentucky Birdsex
  6. Alpha Omicron Pi Pandas
  7. Harvard Fierce Upper Class White Males
  8. Massachusetts Institute of Technology Giant Freaking Nerds
  9. Transylvania Wowing Doges
  10. University of Alabama Crushing Confederates
  11. Beijing Institute of Technology Suffocating Smog
  12. Transylvania Prancin’ Ponies

Why? Would it not make more sense to stick to the humor and unique mark of Transylvania’s vampire spin? We want to see a bat  as our mascot, and we’re not alone. 
— Burris Jenkins

 

Transy Adds New Premium Cable Channel

Lexington, KY–Transylvania University, in pursuit of its multimedia mission statement of expending exorbitant amounts of resources in order to reach as few students as possible, announced Monday that it would be launching CrimsonTV, a brand-new cable television channel. The channel, which is scheduled to premier in January with a 24-hour marathon of Alcohol EDU videos, hopes to eventually attain the same level of irrelevance as The Rambler and Radio TLX.

“We try to always be aware of the needs and demands of our students, and to ensure that they are getting the highest quality campus experience possible,” the statement read. “Recently, we’ve heard a lot of requests for additional channels like the SEC Network or HBO, and so, recognizing our students’ desire for premium television, we are proud to introduce CrimsonTV”.

The network, which will be run by practicum students for .25 course credit, promises to offer the best in both journalism and entertainment. To accomplish this, Transylvania also announced that it had ordered full seasons of several television shows, including Real Housewives of Hazelrigg, Keeping Up With the Ashleys, and Law & Order: DPS, as well as daily news shows Slept In Until Noon and Intramurals Now.

“We’re very excited about our upcoming slate of programs,” said Scott Whiddon, a professor of Writing, Rhetoric and Communications who is serving as a consultant for the network. “They were all developed by the students in our WRC-2294 Special Topics class, and they all got a passing grade from Gary Deaton.”

In related news, Transylvania announced Monday that to fund the new premium channel, students’ Room & Board fees would be raised by $2,000 beginning with the Winter 2016 term.

–Alva Woods

Pike Makes Nickelback Lip-Dub, Meets Chad Kroeger

LEXINGTON, KY. – Amidst the joy and celebration of last week’s Taylor Swift concert, a dark secret has the campus talking. Late Monday evening, a student was watching the famous Delta Sigma Phi lip dub video, when she scrolled down the related videos tab on the right side of the screen. What she found there has people in shock.

“I almost missed it to be honest. I was just about to close out my computer after by nightly viewing of the Sigs video,” said the student, who asked to have her name withheld, “when I saw what looked like Satchel Fowler wearing a top hat on one of the recommended videos. I clicked on it and it turned out to be a Pike lip dub video for Nickelback’s How U Remind Me, filmed just before the Sigs released their video.”

In a facebook message obtained by The Shambler, the anonymous student sent the video to her friend, and he sent it to two or three of his friends. Just hours after its initial discovery, the video went from 200 to 273 views. Unfortunately for the University, the story does not end there.

“Somehow Chad Kroeger saw the video after we put it out, and actually invited us to a show,” said one anonymous Pi Kappa Alpha president in an exclusive interview, “We actually got to go backstage and meet the band. We emailed The Rambler to tell them the exciting story, but that’s when things got weird. We got an email in response from Bob Brown, saying we could never tell anyone about the video or meeting Chad Kroeger. So we laid low, until now I guess.”

When reached for comment, Bob Brown said he was considering different punishments for the Pike chapter, but will probably just stick with the “classic option” of kicking them off campus for a little bit.
-Horace Holley

Transylvania University Officially Peaks

LEXINGTON, KY. – In the wake of the recent publicity received from the Taylor Swift concert, administrators at Transylvania University announced Wednesday afternoon that they believe the school to have officially peaked. The announcement came from Vice President for Marketing and Communications Michele Sparks just after lunch.

“We’re receiving unprecedented levels of national attention, our students received free concert tickets, and they met arguably the biggest pop celebrity in the world. Plus Mel Brooks wore a Transy hat today. I think it’s safe to say this is the climax in the long and storied history of Transylvania University.”

Analysts have expressed concern over the future success of the university.

“Transy has a long history of academic success and commitment to personal cultivation that they will likely continue,” One such analyst said, “But all of that pales in comparison to being noticed by a celebrity for about 15 minutes. I just don’t know if Transy will be able to ever live up to this level of exposure.”

When asked about the recent inclusion of faculty members in national academic publications, the active commitment of students to community service, or the historic inauguration of President Seamus Carey, Sparks had only this to say:

“Okay but did you know that our students gave some of their concert tickets to little kids?”

-Horace Holley

Carson Coming To The Commonwealth

Lexington, KY-

Exciting news is reaching the Bluegrass state this morning as Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson announced a visit to Lexington early this morning. Many Kentuckians came together to usher in Carson, and their success has thrilled constituents throughout the Commonwealth. Transylvania University’s campus is preparing for what is expected to be a positively huge turnout in Haggin Auditorium on Sunday the 25th!fox-carson

After polls showed a slip in favor of Democrat Hillary Clinton, who visited
Transylvania the previous year, Carson’s campaign manager strongly advised him to make an appearance and speak in the largely college student populated central Kentucky foothold to share his wacked out views.

Lexington, a thriving wellspring of conservatives in the state, has seen liberal advances as well as spikes in popularity with Republican candidate Donald Trump. Carson prepares to deliver a passionate impression upon Kentucky, and has to do so to capture the guts, not brains, of millions of ignorant KY voters. With his outright upsetting stances on anti-vaccination, LBGT rights, denial of evolution, gun control, and racial issues, the neurosurgeon is guaranteed to nab countless votes during his visit.

All considerations and event planning for Ben “The GOP’s Scariest Candidate” Carson have been made possible by The Young Democrats of America and their members in the local Fayette County area. The Shambler will report on further details on the candidate’s visit as they break.

— Burris “Feel the Bern” Jenkins

Eminem Hired as Title IX Coordinator

LEXINGTON, KY – Marshall Mathers, perhaps better known by his stage name Eminem and his alter ego Slim Shady, has been hired as the first full-time Title IX Coordinator at Transylvania University, the school announced in a statement on Tuesday. He succeeds Ashley Hinton-Moncer, who is also the school’s director of Health and Wellness and who will remain in that position.

“We are incredibly excited to announce the hiring of Eminem”, said Hinton-Moncer. “I was nervous about how Title IX would be handled without me, but those fears have been allayed. Em is everything that we were looking for in a candidate. We needed someone who is familiar with the ongoing national dialogue on issues of discrimination and harassment, and who is more familiar with sexual discrimination and sensitivity than Eminem?”

The hiring has garnered widespread approval from those in the Transylvania community, including Eminem’s new boss, Dean of the College Laura Bryan “Feminist women love Eminem,” said Bryan, who says she first got to know him during the hiring process over a dinner of mom’s spaghetti. “He’s just so sensitive in everything that he says and does. We think that he’ll bring a real sense of calm to our campus.”

Sophomore John Mays agreed.

“He’s a true role model,” he said. “He’s someone that I truly believe will be not afraid to take a stand against discrimination.”

When reached by phone, Eminem said that he hopes his fame won’t affect how he will be received by students.

“It doesn’t matter what my name is. What matters is that I love helping people. It’s just the way I am,” he said. “I’d have a guilty conscience if I knew that I had a chance to influence these kids and didn’t take it. Their parents would never forgive me.”

However, Eminem did refute reports that Dr. Andre Young was in talks to become the school’s new nurse.

“Dr. Dre’s dead,” he said with a sigh. “He’s locked in MFA basement.”

–Alva Woods