Category Archives: Greek Life

Transylvania is 350% Greek, so we have a lot to cover.

Fraternity Wrap-Up: 2017 — Transy Greek Life Still In Shambles

 

It’s been yet another year of transition for Greek Life here on Transy’s campus (will they ever catch a break?!?), and we’ve brought you every second of it here at the Shambler. To save ourselves time and effort and the campus some humility, we’re packing all of the end of year events into this article. In this edition, we’ll take a look into the fraternity’s final moments of the school year.

 

Tragedy struck Delta Sigma Phi in Knoxville when a Titanic reenactment became a real-life disaster. Teary-eyed seniors and famous Transy couple Cady Cornell and Eli Hack were attempting to portray characters Jack and Rose from the legendary boat catastrophe on the ship’s bow during Sig’s annual Boat Formal event. Unbeknownst to them and just as Cady announced “I’m flying!” on the bow, an anonymous junior made his way to the captain’s deck and vomited on the control board. Now unaware of which way was which and covered in puke, the captain steered the boat into the side of downtown Knoxville, surprisingly splitting the boat in half.

The security guards who were busy getting it on the dancefloor with wasted college kids were unable to reach the lifejackets in time, meaning thousands of dollars of suits and dresses were soon to be ruined by the Knoxville river. However, very unlike the Titanic, fraternity men did not allow the women first access to lifeboats that were brought by Knoxville rescue services, due to their drunken stupor. Instead, it was a mad scramble by everyone to board the flimsy floatation devices, causing even more mayhem. Miraculously, and to the disdain of much of Transy’s community, all individuals made it safely onto the shore.

Needless to say, Delta Sig did not receive their safety deposit back from the boat company.

 

In other news, Phi Kappa Tau’s Canada trip took an interesting turn at the border between countries. President Donald Trump’s border security apparently became confused about which side of the country they were supposed to begin construction of the Wallas Phi Taus quickly became aware of as traffic was backed up for miles on end. Unhappy frat boys piled out of cars to storm Trump’s impending monolith, tearing it down brick-by-brick with their enhanced drunken strength in some weird, modern day Wall of Jericho-like instance.

Said one Phi Tau about the event: “Who knew the President’s construction team was more incompetent than he was?” Festivities resumed in Ontario as the cars moved happily past the border as confused and apologetic Canadians stood by and threw donuts for the college wrecking crew. President Trump later commented in a tweet, “Wow, sad to see it! We will now be looking to have Canada pay for the misuse of our materials, as it’s totally not our fault. Fake news!”

 

Transy fans of the reality TV show the Bachelor can now fill the void left by the season finale by staying tuned to the campus station to witness the unfolding drama of Kappa Alpha Order’s Gentlemen’s Week. Countless Transylvanians are eagerly awaiting the May Term reveal of who will finally receive the Head Rose from the fraternity, a reveal sure to surprise everyone (or no one). Two remain as the group of 30 contestants has shrunken to just 10 for the Rose Court, and the runner-up will join them. They’ve had an entire week to get to know the gentlemen of the Order, so needless to say these men know these women like no other, and the Head Rose will be the perfect match for them. Right?

Kappa Alpha has faced some controversy for transforming the event into something “too much like the show,” but former President Matthew Parker assured the campus “We’re definitely not copying them.” Surprisingly, the dissent quieted following this statement, because he’s perfect and why would he lie to us? Tune in tonight at 9PM for the censored results of this week’s events, followed by an hour-long special of the Order drunkenly singing their fraternity’s anthem, “Dixie.”

 

Finally, all of the immortal Pi Kappa Alpha’s seven members and their dates chose to forgo their “Dreamgirl” event, claiming it caused too much confusion with Phi Kappa Tau and the women they honor with their letters. This came following last year’s disaster of Phi Kappa Tau showing up at the event expecting a red carpet-like rollout for their Dreamgirls and receiving none. To avoid the same mistakes, the fraternity’s president (who might still be in transition or is unknown or who really knows who the PIKE president is anymore, anyway) decided it was best to nix the age-old tradition and instead pay homage to their fraternity mascot.

Yes, PIKE decided to party their tails off in a Fire House this year, bringing new meaning to the phrase “lit function, bro.” No news as of now whether this event will continue yearly, but that is partly due to the fact we didn’t know which member was elected president and, in turn, who to reach for a comment…

 

We hope you join us for yet another exciting and awful year of ~fake news~ here at the Shambler next academic year, and stayed tuned throughout the summer for all the great Transy updates.

 

  • Reuben Cave

Greek Weekend Blunder: Delta Sig’s “These Hands Don’t Haze,” Wins Best Instagram Picture Over Chi O’s Musical “Unlearn Fear and Hate

(First off, it should be established that Chi O’s video is not a musical, people are only calling it a musical because there is a fantastic music score which happens to accompany dialogue in the video and for all intents and purposes the video is not a musical.)

Greek Weekend has come and gone and despite the many riveting speeches and the many teary eyed Greeks accepting their awards, the final award for Best Instagram Picture was awarded to Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze.” The early favorite for Best Instagram Picture was Chi O’s musical entry, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” with 600 views and featured a crowd favorite song backing their Insta message. This musical came much to the joy and applause of the Transy community who seldom see any sort of musicals this day and age. Insta fans around the Transy community hailed this as a revitalization of the musical platform once copiously used in the old college Instagram days but now seldom seen today. Their counterpart, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” by Delta Sigma Phi, was heralded as an important message for fraternities as they seek to grow from their stereotypical ‘hazing’ surrounding while trying to work through the complexity of life to better themselves in a community that doesn’t understand them.

Austin Stephens, the Greek responsible for announcing the Best Instagram Picture winner, initially tried to perform a stand-up routine during the awards ceremony in an effort to stall the much-anticipated winner of the Best Instagram Picture category. It was only after jeers and taunts came at Austin whereupon he said, “Alright, well ya’know what, I’ll just read this card I got here in my hand and hope for the best.” After initially declaring Chi Omega’s Musical, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” the winner, Austin received the correct envelope declaring Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” the true Best Instagram Picture Winner. Even with Chi O’s members having already gave their speech, they pronounced Delta Sig the true winners of the Best Instagram Picture category and handed over their trophies.

image00

Cheers rang out from the crowd as they realized the category was won by Delta Sig. Delta Sig soon ran onstage trampled all the Chi O’s and Mr. Stephens, and then proceeded to sacrifice their trophies to summon the Sphinx – an ancient symbol of their fraternity. Ex-president Erik Mudrak said, “Yeah, everything we do, we do with the aims of appeasing this great beast.” If one thing is for certain, it is that the Sphinx may go to sleep at night knowing that Delta Sig is the best.

 

  • Dawn Holterhumph

‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Greek Awards: A Look At The Sorority Nominees

The friendly and endearing competition between Transy’s sororities is no more neighborly than on bid day and Greek week events, so to set apart our goodhearted nominees we’re taking a closer look at our four chapters:  

Phi Mu:

  • Broke Guinness World Record for fastest hand quatrefoil with 0.075ms
  • Only 3 attendees of this year’s Cupcake Wars left with Diabetes
  • Opening crafting and cooler-painting sweatshop next fall
  • Has gone record 2 hours without saying “YAAAS”

Tri Delta:

  • 99.9962% blonde
  • Opened community hospital for glitter suffocation following fall recruitment
  • Most Likely To Identify With a Florida Georgia Line song
  • Corporate Sponsorship w/ LL Bean

Chi Omega:

  • Voted Scariest Sorority of 2015
  • Celebrating Spiritual Founder Lilly Pulitzer this November
  • Reportedly building new chapter house with Campus Sing cans
  • Spent collective $300,000 on big-little reveal gifts
  • Nearly successful year of convincing Panhel that they aren’t Shane McKee’s favorite

AOII:

  • Color is cardinal red
  • Founded at Transy in 1987
  • Mascot is a panda
  • 190 chapters nationally
  • Jokes taken this year: zero

 

– Burris Jenkins

 

Greek Awards: A Look At The Fraternity Nominees

Winter 2016 is off to a great start for Transy’s Greek men, as miraculously not a single chapter is on social probation. Hype is reaching fever pitch for the 2016 Greek Awards, so let’s take a look at our fraternity nominees in depth before the big day:

Phi Kappa Tau:

  • Held first ever Soccer Ball formal
  • 55% brahs / 45% bruhs
  • Annual kielbasa sausage-eating contest was major success
  • Negotiating philanthropic sponsorship with Natural Light
  • Yearly Canada trips fulfill passion for studying abroad
  • Adding final touches to bronze statue of Nash Laungani

Pi Kappa Alpha:

  • 125 years of dark tradition at Transylvania
  • Actually invincible
  • Quadrupled membership this year
  • Re-celebrating first year anniversary of being on campus
  • One brother holds 7 offices
  • Alumni promising pledge class of 2016 new Lexus for every member

Delta Sigma Phi:

  • Excitedly checking Tnet for grades is only brotherhood event
  • 15 heteronormative campus sing wins in a row
  • 56% nerds, 29% gay, 18% both
  • Made Taylor Swift famous
  • Introduced resume building to ritual this year
  • Last Sig function had record four girls in attendance

Kappa Alpha Order:

  • Coolest officer titles
  • An order, not a fraternity
  • Promoting gluten-free wheat, barley, and alfalfa diet
  • 97.6% off-campus
  • Another year carefully avoiding Civil War spoilers
  • Still going to be more successful than you

– Burris Jenkins

Aaron Roberts Devastated Over McKee Departure

LEXINGTON, KY – Aaron Roberts opens the door to his office slowly, the hinges whining. The dusty Campus Center office betrays obvious neglect. Roberts takes his place behind his desk, not bothering to turn on the lights. On the desk, a picture of he and Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, smiling proudly at the Involvement Fair. It’s evident he did not bother to clean before our interview. 

“I’m starting to accept it,” Roberts said between heavy pulls of a bottle of sparkling water, “but it hasn’t been easy.”

He is referring, of course, to the imminent departure of Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership. Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, announced recently his plan to move to Texas to start a family.

“Without me.” interjects Roberts.

Scattered about the office are certain souvenirs from their time together. Pictures from IFC Meetings adorn the walls, on his bookshelf sits a baseball from their games of catch, and on his lamp hangs a lay from their Hawaiian vacation.

“We’ve had some good times, but now they’re over, they’re all ov..” said Roberts before breaking down into sobs.

Finally regaining composure, Roberts says, “I hope its true what they say, ‘there are plenty of Directors of Student Involvement and Leadership in the sea.’”

-Horace Holley

Pike Officially 67% KA

LEXINGTON, KY – The scandals continue for Pi Kappa Alpha after a close examination has revealed Pike to actually be two thirds Kappa Alpha. Shane McKee sat down with The Shambler to discuss the implications of this shocking discovery.

“I don’t really know what this means for the future of the Pike chapter. This is a classic case of identity fraud. We can’t have one chapter masquerading as the majority of another chapter. We will be having a very serious conversation with their men about this.”

Like McKee, much of the campus is reeling from this new revelation. Junior Henry Kramer, however, was not surprised.

“The signs were all there, you just had to look. Just yesterday, I saw Dan Memon wearing Sperry’s and Chubbies. Last week, I saw Dustin Kiser walking out of his room while the Zac Brown Band was playing, and I swear I saw a rebel flag on his wall. I’ve had my suspicions for a while that most of the Pikes were actually just KAs. I just haven’t figured out why they would do it.”

Kramer is not alone. No one knows for sure what made Kappa Alpha want to be two thirds of Pi Kappa Alpha, but one administrator has his guesses.

“I think they did it to make the KAs look that much cooler by comparison,” said Bob Brown, Dean of Student Life, “When viewed objectively, the KAs probably realized they’re pretty lame. But in comparison to the Pikes, it’s no wonder why everyone wants to go to their parties. All I know for sure is that this, in addition to last week’s Nickelback scandal, means I’m definitely going to have to kick Pike off campus for a little while again”

— Horace Holley

Anti-Hazing Week Finally Over, Campus Rejoices

Today is one to celebrate for many Greek members campus wide, as hazing is now back to being both acceptable and honestly just a total blast. After a full week of being not only put off, but outright thwarted by badges, banners, and tables raising awareness for hazing around campus, upperclassmen are ready to wreck havoc. Welcome to Hell Week, pledges.

Fraternity and sorority members aren’t the only ones overjoyed to have anti-hazing week behind them, as a number of clubs and teams are also preparing to haze the living hell out of their new members. Rumors indicate that the Transylvania Environmental Action League anticipates blanketing the entire floor of their freshmen’s Forrer rooms with potting soil, the Chess Club gears up to inflict their fresh meat with excessive amounts of drinking, and Transy Bikes looks to enforce bike shorts all week for their new cyclists. This week is going to be rough for some Transy students, but new organization members fully understand that hazing is truly the best and arguably only way to build individuals of character.

Perhaps the worst and most brutal practice of all, the Rambler is forcing their new staff to write for them for the rest of the year.

– Burris Jenkins

The 12 Best Things About Joining A Fraternity

Recruitment is finally over, so now that we can’t totally ruin everything, The Shambler is back.

You may not have heard, but Transylvania is 80% Greek (as sources report) so there’s a good chance that you ran out to a fraternity this past weekend. And we couldn’t be more thrilled. Now that you are officially the coolest person to ever live, here are the 10 dopest things about pledging that frat:

1) Lifelong Bonds

The guys that you ran out to, and with, will become some of your closest friends; of whom you will share memories, growth, and late night Qdoba runs.
90s animated GIF

2) Leadership Opportunities

There are million ways to lead within your organization, from committees to elected positions. It might seem crazy right now, but in a few years you could become the president of your entire chapter! Because apparently just about anyone can become president. debate animated GIF

3) Alumni Connections

Who knows where your Greek organization will take you, and who you’ll meet! Bill Engvall is a KA, the co-creator of the Wild Thornberry’s is a Sig, Jim Parsons is a Pike, and Paul Newman of acting & salad dressing fame is a Phi Tau! Neat!

AnimatedText animated Sticker

4) Dues!

Fraternity men can barely contain their excitement when they write out a check for $400 to their friendly treasurer every semester! This whole “buying your friends” deal never felt so damn good.

money animated GIF

5) Mandatory Service Hours

Your pure philanthropic heart completes like 6-ish service hours a semester and you take great pride in that one time that you helped at a Habitat for Humanity build, even if you accidentally tore the entire house down while doing menial landscaping.

6) Parties

Every weekend just got weirder

dancing animated GIF

7) You Immediately Get All Of The Ladies

8) Parking ANYWHERE

No matter if the space says handicap, Joe Bologna’s customers only, or reserved for the President, you’re in a frat now so YOU make the rules.

Cheezburger animated GIF

9) Bill Nye Will Finally Talk To You Again

excited animated GIF

10) The Billy Idol’s ‘Rebel Yell’ Plays Whenever You Enter A Room

Cool Sunglasses animated GIF

11) You Can Turn Into A Bear On Command

Cheezburger animated GIF

12) You Can Do Whatever You Want

As a fraternity man, you’re entitled to do whatever the you damn well please! Awesome!

ron swanson animated GIF

– Burris Jenkins 

Shambler Quiz: Which Sorority Do You Belong In?

Sorority Recruitment can be hard, The Shambler is here to make it easy. In these simple, yet essential ten questions all of your recruitment anxieties and qualms will be laid to rest. Whether you’re a first year excited to join a sorority or a junior Greek woman curious of what you’d draw the second time through, see where you stand! 

The Quiz:

https://www.qzzr.com/quiz/8902817a-6b8b-4c32-9b29-066eff29a264/fi9xdWl6emVzLzEwMDExMQ

This slideshow requires JavaScript.