After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.
This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.
Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”
“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.
When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.
In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.
Some outright villainous news from Transylvania University as grades were posted earlier today, leaving many Pioneers horrified. Upon logging in to Transy’s TNET student portal site, students eagerly navigated to the ‘Grades’ section to view the results of their hard work, only to gasp in complete disbelief of what professor Ben Hawkins had wrought upon them. For those who had performed below B- level, instead of a letter grade students found major spoilers to Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.
Hawkins explained himself: “I literally told each and every student in my Music Theory course with a ‘U’ on their midterm that I would spoil the new film for them if they didn’t apply themselves, how am I the Darth Vader in this situation? Sure, C’s get degrees, but they’ll also get your beloved movie series ruined for you”
And for those who hadn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies? “That’s a travesty, just ridiculous, automatic F’s to them”
– Burris Jenkins
Students enrolled in PS-2504: Politics of the Middle East and PS-1004 Introduction to US Politics walked out of class in shock today as a last-second twist in the grading system was revealed: all final grades would be heavily determined by their actions on Facebook. It is a change that has sent many humanities students into a panic.
An announcement by Dr. Michael Cairo clarified that the accuracy, logic, and rhetoric of the countless arguments that his students had engaged in via Facebook political posts and comment thread debates over the past months would count as a whopping 50% of each student’s final grade. He explained the political science departments actions with:
“These college kids are glued to Facebook all day fighting a war of intellectual dominance on current events and social issues, and it’s about time they get some credit for all of the hard work and valid points. Whether it’s their old high school friends post about 2nd Amendment rights or cousin’s shared article about Islamic extremists, these 20-somethings are on the scene fighting tooth-and-nail to prove that they’re right and more importantly, everyone else is wrong. It’s wild.”
Professors in the political science department seem to agree that a number of their students are silent in class, but raising hell online; a place where they felt more free to be negative or offensive because they weren’t getting graded– until now.
Dr. Don Dugi quipped “I can’t say what’s worse: these heated Facebook arguments on Planned Parenthood, or this last batch of papers on US Politics.”
– Burris Jenkins
Kentucky isn’t the only thing devestated by a much, much lower percentage than they wanted, as Junior Bio-Chemistry major Elias Hanna finally got back his anxiously-awaited midterm test grade in Organic Chemistry this morning. After weeks and weeks of hard work, dedication, and sleepless nights, both Kentucky politicians and student’s in the 11:30 section of Organic are completely in shambles. The tragic 30% voter turnout that occured in the Commonwealth yesterday will leave the Bluegrass state thinking about their decisions for the next 4 years, as will Hanna’s test grade.
– Burris Jenkins
LEXINGTON, KY. – In the wake of the recent publicity received from the Taylor Swift concert, administrators at Transylvania University announced Wednesday afternoon that they believe the school to have officially peaked. The announcement came from Vice President for Marketing and Communications Michele Sparks just after lunch.
“We’re receiving unprecedented levels of national attention, our students received free concert tickets, and they met arguably the biggest pop celebrity in the world. Plus Mel Brooks wore a Transy hat today. I think it’s safe to say this is the climax in the long and storied history of Transylvania University.”
Analysts have expressed concern over the future success of the university.
“Transy has a long history of academic success and commitment to personal cultivation that they will likely continue,” One such analyst said, “But all of that pales in comparison to being noticed by a celebrity for about 15 minutes. I just don’t know if Transy will be able to ever live up to this level of exposure.”
When asked about the recent inclusion of faculty members in national academic publications, the active commitment of students to community service, or the historic inauguration of President Seamus Carey, Sparks had only this to say:
“Okay but did you know that our students gave some of their concert tickets to little kids?”
Exciting news is reaching the Bluegrass state this morning as Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson announced a visit to Lexington early this morning. Many Kentuckians came together to usher in Carson, and their success has thrilled constituents throughout the Commonwealth. Transylvania University’s campus is preparing for what is expected to be a positively huge turnout in Haggin Auditorium on Sunday the 25th!
After polls showed a slip in favor of Democrat Hillary Clinton, who visited
Transylvania the previous year, Carson’s campaign manager strongly advised him to make an appearance and speak in the largely college student populated central Kentucky foothold to share his wacked out views.
Lexington, a thriving wellspring of conservatives in the state, has seen liberal advances as well as spikes in popularity with Republican candidate Donald Trump. Carson prepares to deliver a passionate impression upon Kentucky, and has to do so to capture the guts, not brains, of millions of ignorant KY voters. With his outright upsetting stances on anti-vaccination, LBGT rights, denial of evolution, gun control, and racial issues, the neurosurgeon is guaranteed to nab countless votes during his visit.
All considerations and event planning for Ben “The GOP’s Scariest Candidate” Carson have been made possible by The Young Democrats of America and their members in the local Fayette County area. The Shambler will report on further details on the candidate’s visit as they break.
— Burris “Feel the Bern” Jenkins
After a long and hectic day at her part time County Clerk job in Rowan County, media-famous Kim Davis clocked in at Transylvania’s Office of Public Safety to issue out parking passes to students for the 2015-2016 year. She had finally escaped the onslaught of reporters and flashing cameras to fulfill her duties peacefully at the Lexington liberal arts college. That was until 3:27 PM yesterday.
Rising senior and respected campus leader Chris Connery entered the office wearing his rainbow-emblazoned ‘Lexington’ Kentucky for Kentucky shirt and politely asked for a parking pass, setting Kim Davis off into another tirade. She denied him a (notably overpriced) parking pass and began ranting after assuming that Connery was homosexual:
“This isn’t a case of Back Circle versus road-side parking, this is a case of heaven versus HELL,” boldly stated Davis, “How can I allow a student to safely park their vehicle on this campus when they don’t allow Jesus to take the wheel, and resort to such sins?!”
Davis, who has accrued a total of 7 parking tickets amounting to $520 in fines, is a clear authority of the right-and-wrong of the situation. She goes against Transylvania’s Board of Trustees recent ruling that gay students can legally park on campus, a much wiser authority. She defends her actions, citing an oddly specific and loosely applicable passage from the Bible, while totally ignoring critical and overarching elements of the holy text, such as “Thou shalt not park in fire zones”.
— Burris Jenkins
Through a surprising and totally coincidental pair of massive last minute donations, the dorm was fully funded through alumni Ron Jefferson ‘78 and Scott Davis ’62 earlier this month. A careful and thought out naming process ensued this week, and in conclusion the naming will serve to honor both generous donors through a joint-naming of the residence hall.
It has been a long awaited announcement, but Transylvania University administration has officially released the name for the school’s newest dormitory for on-campus living:
The departure from the recently demolished men’s dorms along with forward developments with 3 new dorms, a new plaza, and renovations in both Haupt Humanities and the Library serve to propel Transylvania forward with much excitement. With the finishing touches underway on Jefferson-Davis Hall, a new face is emerging for the school, a “New Transy” that shows much promise for a continued legacy of academic success and most of all a greater attention to modern aesthetics and progressive attitudes.
Now, the dorm’s name isn’t the only fresh and hip installment at Transy. Let’s take a look inside!
Consisting of suite style, 2 rooms per bath living, Jefferson-Davis Hall boasts Tempur-Pedic mattresses, vinyl wood flooring, and plenty of room to keep your countless guns and anti gay marriage picketing signs.
Interior designers splurged, sparing no cost for the coolest, most tolerant and unprejudiced decor they could find! Check it out:
It’s safe to say that Jefferson-Davis Hall is the first of many changes that will soon take Transylvania to new heights, school officials are confident that the dorm’s name and furniture will hold up as a sensitive and politically correct choice for at least another 50 years.
– Burris Jenkins
LEXINGTON, KY – In a recent conversation with a Transy alumna, Virginia Holt recalled a study abroad trip she took in her time as a student. Holt, who was a art history major in her time at Transylvania, recalled her trip to Greece and Rome during her winter semester in the year 1999.
“It was an amazing experience,” Holt said, “but I noticed a constant trend. I had never really noticed it in the countless pictures of Rome and Athens, but Greco-Roman architecture seems to have pulled a lot of influence from the Antebellum period in America – particularly the rural south. I was kind of offended by connotations, and wish the architects could have been more politically correct in their designs.”
Holt was drafting a complaint to the citizens of Greece and Rome for their offensive architecture during our conversation.
Local campus newspaper with rather mediocre name “The Rambler” has been called out in recent studies from the Cowgill Center of Business, Economics, and Education. Reports indicate that the bi-weekly college post has burned through an outraging 40 million beautiful, healthy trees in just the past six years.
Transylvania’s beloved Back Circle was once home to over ten large bark covered plants, of which one unnamed student revealed to us that they caught a writer of The Rambler sawing down. Construction on a new residence hall was pitted with the blame for this incident, but it has been uncovered that The Rambler was behind this act of environmental disrespect all along.
We at the Shambler are proud to announce that zero trees have been lost in any of our efforts.
– Burris Jenkins