Category Archives: Campus Life

Fraternity Wrap-Up: 2017 — Transy Greek Life Still In Shambles

 

It’s been yet another year of transition for Greek Life here on Transy’s campus (will they ever catch a break?!?), and we’ve brought you every second of it here at the Shambler. To save ourselves time and effort and the campus some humility, we’re packing all of the end of year events into this article. In this edition, we’ll take a look into the fraternity’s final moments of the school year.

 

Tragedy struck Delta Sigma Phi in Knoxville when a Titanic reenactment became a real-life disaster. Teary-eyed seniors and famous Transy couple Cady Cornell and Eli Hack were attempting to portray characters Jack and Rose from the legendary boat catastrophe on the ship’s bow during Sig’s annual Boat Formal event. Unbeknownst to them and just as Cady announced “I’m flying!” on the bow, an anonymous junior made his way to the captain’s deck and vomited on the control board. Now unaware of which way was which and covered in puke, the captain steered the boat into the side of downtown Knoxville, surprisingly splitting the boat in half.

The security guards who were busy getting it on the dancefloor with wasted college kids were unable to reach the lifejackets in time, meaning thousands of dollars of suits and dresses were soon to be ruined by the Knoxville river. However, very unlike the Titanic, fraternity men did not allow the women first access to lifeboats that were brought by Knoxville rescue services, due to their drunken stupor. Instead, it was a mad scramble by everyone to board the flimsy floatation devices, causing even more mayhem. Miraculously, and to the disdain of much of Transy’s community, all individuals made it safely onto the shore.

Needless to say, Delta Sig did not receive their safety deposit back from the boat company.

 

In other news, Phi Kappa Tau’s Canada trip took an interesting turn at the border between countries. President Donald Trump’s border security apparently became confused about which side of the country they were supposed to begin construction of the Wallas Phi Taus quickly became aware of as traffic was backed up for miles on end. Unhappy frat boys piled out of cars to storm Trump’s impending monolith, tearing it down brick-by-brick with their enhanced drunken strength in some weird, modern day Wall of Jericho-like instance.

Said one Phi Tau about the event: “Who knew the President’s construction team was more incompetent than he was?” Festivities resumed in Ontario as the cars moved happily past the border as confused and apologetic Canadians stood by and threw donuts for the college wrecking crew. President Trump later commented in a tweet, “Wow, sad to see it! We will now be looking to have Canada pay for the misuse of our materials, as it’s totally not our fault. Fake news!”

 

Transy fans of the reality TV show the Bachelor can now fill the void left by the season finale by staying tuned to the campus station to witness the unfolding drama of Kappa Alpha Order’s Gentlemen’s Week. Countless Transylvanians are eagerly awaiting the May Term reveal of who will finally receive the Head Rose from the fraternity, a reveal sure to surprise everyone (or no one). Two remain as the group of 30 contestants has shrunken to just 10 for the Rose Court, and the runner-up will join them. They’ve had an entire week to get to know the gentlemen of the Order, so needless to say these men know these women like no other, and the Head Rose will be the perfect match for them. Right?

Kappa Alpha has faced some controversy for transforming the event into something “too much like the show,” but former President Matthew Parker assured the campus “We’re definitely not copying them.” Surprisingly, the dissent quieted following this statement, because he’s perfect and why would he lie to us? Tune in tonight at 9PM for the censored results of this week’s events, followed by an hour-long special of the Order drunkenly singing their fraternity’s anthem, “Dixie.”

 

Finally, all of the immortal Pi Kappa Alpha’s seven members and their dates chose to forgo their “Dreamgirl” event, claiming it caused too much confusion with Phi Kappa Tau and the women they honor with their letters. This came following last year’s disaster of Phi Kappa Tau showing up at the event expecting a red carpet-like rollout for their Dreamgirls and receiving none. To avoid the same mistakes, the fraternity’s president (who might still be in transition or is unknown or who really knows who the PIKE president is anymore, anyway) decided it was best to nix the age-old tradition and instead pay homage to their fraternity mascot.

Yes, PIKE decided to party their tails off in a Fire House this year, bringing new meaning to the phrase “lit function, bro.” No news as of now whether this event will continue yearly, but that is partly due to the fact we didn’t know which member was elected president and, in turn, who to reach for a comment…

 

We hope you join us for yet another exciting and awful year of ~fake news~ here at the Shambler next academic year, and stayed tuned throughout the summer for all the great Transy updates.

 

  • Reuben Cave

Transylvania to Give Up Access to TUWIFI for Lent

 

The recent Rambler ban from Transy press conferences has hindered the student community from knowing about this policy. However, the Shambler will remain committed to bringing students coverage of the news and for generations to come.

As Lent approaches and numerous college students across the U.S. pledge to give up meat in an effort to become a vegetarian so they might have another cool talking point at the next party, Transylvania University is proposing to ban access to the student wifi ‘TUWIFI’ as an effort to save on budgeting costs for future scholarships. This new Lent ban will prohibit access for 40 days and supposedly save the university millions over the coming weeks.

When questioned about the new policy, a spokesman for the university said, “We didn’t expect this much backlash. If we take away the wifi then most of the students will quit getting cynical emails from Dr. Dugi, they won’t have to turn in papers online, and they can forget about online readings. Plus, the amount of money we spend on wifi is ludicrous, it could easily be given to a prospective student on the edge of deciding between Centre and Transy.”

Students have been expressing a massive distaste for the proposed new policy. During the what is now being deemed as the Back-Circle Protests, one female student was quoted as saying, “My friend is going to a fraternity function this weekend, how am I supposed to tell her she’s hashtag cute with a smiling face with heart-eyes?” During the Protests, students started yelling, “We pay 40k, bring back the wifi-today.”

Local student Dane Ritter has enthusiastically supported this new policy by going to Facebook and posting, “Y’all, this is exactly what we need! We lose so much of our lives being online when the real meaningful interactions are face to face with other individuals. For darn’s sake, this is what college is about!” Another student, Hunter Overstreet, said, “Yeah, I’m from Boyle County and I’d give a little extra so someone doesn’t have to go to Centre.”

Local students are decrying the new 40 day lent travel ban onto the internet and many more are waiting to see if the lent program will work in bringing students to a Transylvania Home.

  • Dawn Holterhumph

 

‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Aaron Roberts Devastated Over McKee Departure

LEXINGTON, KY – Aaron Roberts opens the door to his office slowly, the hinges whining. The dusty Campus Center office betrays obvious neglect. Roberts takes his place behind his desk, not bothering to turn on the lights. On the desk, a picture of he and Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, smiling proudly at the Involvement Fair. It’s evident he did not bother to clean before our interview. 

“I’m starting to accept it,” Roberts said between heavy pulls of a bottle of sparkling water, “but it hasn’t been easy.”

He is referring, of course, to the imminent departure of Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership. Shane McKee, director of Student Involvement and Leadership, announced recently his plan to move to Texas to start a family.

“Without me.” interjects Roberts.

Scattered about the office are certain souvenirs from their time together. Pictures from IFC Meetings adorn the walls, on his bookshelf sits a baseball from their games of catch, and on his lamp hangs a lay from their Hawaiian vacation.

“We’ve had some good times, but now they’re over, they’re all ov..” said Roberts before breaking down into sobs.

Finally regaining composure, Roberts says, “I hope its true what they say, ‘there are plenty of Directors of Student Involvement and Leadership in the sea.’”

-Horace Holley

Snowfall Causes Students To Suddenly Care About Their Professors’ Safety

Lexington–

Early Sunday evening, as the sun began to set over Lexington, gray clouds moved in and a small amount of snow sprinkled down from above. Within an hour, the flurries became a steady stream, and by 10:00 that night, several inches had already accumulated on the ground. Recognizing the potentially hazardous road conditions, Mayor Jim Gray advised Lexington residents to avoid driving if possible.

Even with all of this, the forecast for Monday looked to be snowless and warm enough to melt the accumulation from the night before. By all accounts, road conditions were expected to return to normal in time for the morning commute on the following day.

However, Transylvania students were not so easily convinced. Fearing for the safety of their professors who commute from various locations, some coming all the way from Danville, the students took to social media to express their concerns.

“How could we endanger our professors like this?” one student asked, posting a picture of a snow covered road. “I mean, I would absolutely never want to miss class, but I would also never want my professors to risk traversing these tundra-like conditions for me.”

Clark Murray, a senior, was similarly apprehensive. “I mean, without class, I’ll probably just cry a lot first. I’m very emotionally attached to my classes. Then I’ll probably just spend the rest of the day studying anyway, but at least Dr. Jones won’t have to strap on his snowshoes and plod his way to campus. I’ve also heard that the snowstorm attracted some polar bears.”

Regardless, the hundreds of posts on Twitter and Facebook make one thing clear: when it comes to potential snow days, Transylvania students would obviously prefer to have class, but aren’t willing to risk their professor’s safety.

Some students have even proposed taking the day off for rain and the subsequent wet roads. Just for the professors.
–Reuben Cave

Philosophy Major Forced to Steal Textbooks for Ethics Class

A suspect believed to be responsible for last week’s bookstore robbery has been taken into custody. D.P.S. claims that senior philosophy major M.J. Meade stole four books from the store, valuing over 900 dollars. The books, Meade claims, were for his Ethical Theory class. When asked for comment, Meade had the following to say, “Is it so wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread in order to feed his starving family? As a philosophy major, I felt that I needed to be able to answer this question since I’ll probably be in this exact situation in the nearish future. Within the books, I sought to find this answer. Only now can I finally begin to see the possible moral implications of what I’ve done.”

Meade has thus far refused to admit any wrongdoing on his own part, claiming that he is unable to make this judgment until he has completed the course.

A spokesperson for the bookstore, released the following statement: “We here at Follett are simply mortified by these actions and cannot begin to understand the compulsion to cheat a business out of its hard-earned money. This is simply unacceptable. Those books had value, even if Amazon does sell them at prices that are comically low compared to ours.”

The anonymous tipster who aided in Meade’s capture was reportedly rewarded with a bookstore gift card valuing $50 or, as it applies to its recipient, ¼ of a Lifetime Fitness textbook.

-Abraham Drake

Geopolitical Change In Cafeteria Leads To New Dark Age

The back of the Forrer Dining hall, or the Caf though plentiful in meetings between administrators and the favorite spot of Dark Arts Professor Don Dugi, is infamous for its lack of Wi-Fi, lighting, and quality social interactions. Yet at the same time it has existed in a harmonious balance with the more popular front of the Caf as the Yin to its Yang, the sun to its moon. 

Thanks to a recent decision by Sodexo, this balance has been disrupted and as a result the geopolitics of the once united ‘Caf’ have been disrupted forever. Back Caf’s only reliable export, the cereal and milk we all know we can fall back on when the Caf just doesn’t try, have been moved next to the soda machine in Front Caf. The spot where the cereal and milk once were is now occupied by the Gluten-Free foods section.

Shambler writers recently interviewed Latin American History Professor Greg Bocketti  to voice his concerns on the situation:

“You see this exact situation in resource-driven economies. It creates vulnerability and instability for decades upon decades to come. This is going in the Rambler, right?”

Our top Political Analysts, in tandem with Bocketti’s conceptualization of the situation predict that the Gluten-Free Food and Cereal Swap will keep front and back Caf from engaging in any sort of economic exchange in the near or distant future. Assassinations, coups, and bankruptcy are incredibly likely for whatever new regime comes to power in back caf. Thanks to the Gluten-Free section a hipster culture is likely to flourish in back caf. While Back Caf endures this period of tribulation, Front Caf will likely prosper thanks to the additions of milk and cereal and attract even more people; thus creating the single greatest instance of human migration since India and Pakistan split. The dichotomy of wealth between Front and Back Caf will be so large that Donald Trump will be envious that he wasn’t responsible for it.

Forrer Dining Hall’s future is uncertain. All we know is that the geopolitics of the Caf have been unalterably changed.

Front-Caf goers however have reacted fairly positively to the situation however. “Yeah, I don’t know why but I can’t help thinking that our way of life over here is just superior to that of Back Caf. Whenever I go to Front Caf I have these weird visions of Confederate Flags if I look at the 1st floor Forrer rooms that overlook the Caf and that just reminds me that sometimes it’s okay to split, ya know?”

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

Transy Professor Gives Students Star Wars Spoilers Instead of Bad Grades

Some outright villainous news from Transylvania University as grades were posted earlier today, leaving many Pioneers horrified. Upon logging in to Transy’s TNET student portal site, students eagerly navigated to the ‘Grades’ section to view the results of their hard work, only to gasp in complete disbelief of what professor Ben Hawkins had wrought upon them. For those who had performed below B- level, instead of a letter grade students found major spoilers to Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens.

Hawkins explained himself: “I literally told each and every student in my Music Theory course with a ‘U’ on their midterm that I would spoil the new film for them if they didn’t apply themselves, how am I the Darth Vader in this situation? Sure, C’s get degrees, but they’ll also get your beloved movie series ruined for you”

And for those who hadn’t seen any of the Star Wars movies? “That’s a travesty, just ridiculous, automatic F’s to them”

– Burris Jenkins

 

Facebook Comments To Count As 50% of Final Political Science Grade

Students enrolled in PS-2504: Politics of the Middle East and PS-1004 Introduction to US Politics walked out of class in shock today as a last-second twist in the grading system was revealed: all final grades would be heavily determined by their actions on Facebook. It is a change that has sent many humanities students into a panic.

An announcement by Dr. Michael Cairo clarified that the accuracy, logic, and rhetoric of the countless arguments that his students had engaged in via Facebook political posts and comment thread debates over the past months would count as a whopping 50% of each student’s final grade. He explained the political science departments actions with:

“These college kids are glued to Facebook all day fighting a war of intellectual dominance on current events and social issues, and it’s about time they get some credit for all of the hard work and valid points. Whether it’s their old high school friends post about 2nd Amendment rights or cousin’s shared article about Islamic extremists, these 20-somethings are on the scene fighting tooth-and-nail to prove that they’re right and more importantly, everyone else is wrong. It’s wild.”

Professors in the political science department seem to agree that a number of their students are silent in class, but raising hell online; a place where they felt more free to be negative or offensive because they weren’t getting graded– until now. 

Dr. Don Dugi quipped “I can’t say what’s worse: these heated Facebook arguments on Planned Parenthood, or this last batch of papers on US Politics.”

– Burris Jenkins