University To Demolish New Buildings, Sell Tickets To Balance Budget

In a surprising turn, the university administration has decided to pursue a new business plan to keep both tuition and academic aid rates the same for forthcoming years. How you might ask? An undisclosed source within the administration provided some background knowledge.

“Admission numbers are dropping and I don’t think anyone but a select few individuals know. We all started to ask, why do we need these new buildings if our enrollment numbers are never going to increase? Clearly if we build it, they won’t come. We’ve tried that logic and it doesn’t work.”

The financial plan proposed during the new business meeting offered a quick solution to fix the looming debt.

“We looked at the books, checked them once, then checked it twice, saw our mistake was more naughty than nice, and we decided to bring this plan to town. We call it Demolate Davis 2.0”

So what is Demolate Davis 2.0?

“Demolate Davis 2.0 is exactly what it sounds like.” After no further elaboration, a question and answer session told the press that Demolate Davis 2.0 was a plan to demolish the two unfinished buildings and sell tickets for the demolition to the Lexington public so that the university can bring in a revenue to cover the construction debt. From there, the scrapped material will be sold and contribute to student academic aid rates.

“It’s going to be huge. This demolition, a great demolition, we know our demolitions. We’ve done it once and we’ll do it twice. We’re going to get the same construction company working on it.” As of now there have been delays in the demolition process.

However, the planned demolition has tentatively been scheduled for December 25th – just after construction is said to be complete. “I think the greatest present we can give to our community is the glamor and spectacle of two buildings being demolished. And who knows, we’ve found mold in the other building so the audience may get a free encore…”

– Dawn Holterhumph



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