Secretary Hillary Clinton Spotted In Back Caf

Campus is abuzz today as media coverage flocks to the Clive M. Beck Center to anxiously await an appearance of “The Candidate for The Youths” Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Excitement is reaching fever pitch as jazzed Pioneers, giddy DPS officers, and ambivalent professors will soon pack the gym. Clinton is prepared to tear up the main court almost as bad as the Division III athletic teams that ball out there – hoping to get voters on her bench. Before her 7:00 rally, the Secretary of State dined at Transy’s hottest dining option: the Caf. Clinton approached one student to ask “where the Youths grab a bite and kick back,” which led her to farthest and darkest corner of the edgy, hub of millennial life known as Back Caf. After chowing down on some Raisin Bran and splurging on 2 whole french fries, she brushed off her light blue pantsuit and then grotesquely dabbed an unassuming Sodexo employee.

Clinton’s Lexington visit will be an extended tour, as she plans to “do some shooty hoops” in the upstairs recreation gym for a game of intramural sports ball, as well as “get schwifty” at the nearby West Sixth Brewery.

Senator Sanders was also spotted on campus today, exchanging gossip with Miss Erica and taking a long drag from a pipe in Smoking Circle.

– Burris Jenkins

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