Archaeologists made an earth-shattering discovery this weekend when they finally found the location of the Great Sphinx of Giza’s missing nose, putting an end to a mystery that predates modern times. What is most surprising to experts, however, is not that the nose was found at all, but rather the location in which it was found–the asses of the members of Delta Sigma Phi Beta Mu.
“It’s shocking, really,” said Dr. Chris Begley, Associate Professor of Anthropology at Transylvania University and (probably) an expert on the Great Sphinx. “To think that the sphinx’s nose was located not in the west bank of the Nile at all, but rather distributed throughout one hundred wannabe frat boys’ assholes, defies every bit of conventional archaeological wisdom.”
The find was made when senior Jared Brewer, long accused of having a stick up his ass, finally stopped to check. What he found was not a stick but rather a jagged shard of limestone. Upon reporting the find to chapter Health & Wellness chair Justin Wright, Wright ordered the entire fraternity to stop and investigate their own derrières. The found limestone fragments were then reassembled into the sphinx’s nose.
The nose is currently on display in the Morlan Gallery, where it is expected to draw record handfuls of visitors via first years seeking Creative Engagements credit, before it will be returned to Egypt to be reattached to the statue’s face.
Reports that the chapter will attempt to parlay this discovery into even more media attention are unconfirmed.
— Alva Woods