Geopolitical Change In Cafeteria Leads To New Dark Age

The back of the Forrer Dining hall, or the Caf though plentiful in meetings between administrators and the favorite spot of Dark Arts Professor Don Dugi, is infamous for its lack of Wi-Fi, lighting, and quality social interactions. Yet at the same time it has existed in a harmonious balance with the more popular front of the Caf as the Yin to its Yang, the sun to its moon. 

Thanks to a recent decision by Sodexo, this balance has been disrupted and as a result the geopolitics of the once united ‘Caf’ have been disrupted forever. Back Caf’s only reliable export, the cereal and milk we all know we can fall back on when the Caf just doesn’t try, have been moved next to the soda machine in Front Caf. The spot where the cereal and milk once were is now occupied by the Gluten-Free foods section.

Shambler writers recently interviewed Latin American History Professor Greg Bocketti  to voice his concerns on the situation:

“You see this exact situation in resource-driven economies. It creates vulnerability and instability for decades upon decades to come. This is going in the Rambler, right?”

Our top Political Analysts, in tandem with Bocketti’s conceptualization of the situation predict that the Gluten-Free Food and Cereal Swap will keep front and back Caf from engaging in any sort of economic exchange in the near or distant future. Assassinations, coups, and bankruptcy are incredibly likely for whatever new regime comes to power in back caf. Thanks to the Gluten-Free section a hipster culture is likely to flourish in back caf. While Back Caf endures this period of tribulation, Front Caf will likely prosper thanks to the additions of milk and cereal and attract even more people; thus creating the single greatest instance of human migration since India and Pakistan split. The dichotomy of wealth between Front and Back Caf will be so large that Donald Trump will be envious that he wasn’t responsible for it.

Forrer Dining Hall’s future is uncertain. All we know is that the geopolitics of the Caf have been unalterably changed.

Front-Caf goers however have reacted fairly positively to the situation however. “Yeah, I don’t know why but I can’t help thinking that our way of life over here is just superior to that of Back Caf. Whenever I go to Front Caf I have these weird visions of Confederate Flags if I look at the 1st floor Forrer rooms that overlook the Caf and that just reminds me that sometimes it’s okay to split, ya know?”

– Henry Bidleman Bascom

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