LEXINGTON, KY – The scandals continue for Pi Kappa Alpha after a close examination has revealed Pike to actually be two thirds Kappa Alpha. Shane McKee sat down with The Shambler to discuss the implications of this shocking discovery.
“I don’t really know what this means for the future of the Pike chapter. This is a classic case of identity fraud. We can’t have one chapter masquerading as the majority of another chapter. We will be having a very serious conversation with their men about this.”
Like McKee, much of the campus is reeling from this new revelation. Junior Henry Kramer, however, was not surprised.
“The signs were all there, you just had to look. Just yesterday, I saw Dan Memon wearing Sperry’s and Chubbies. Last week, I saw Dustin Kiser walking out of his room while the Zac Brown Band was playing, and I swear I saw a rebel flag on his wall. I’ve had my suspicions for a while that most of the Pikes were actually just KAs. I just haven’t figured out why they would do it.”
Kramer is not alone. No one knows for sure what made Kappa Alpha want to be two thirds of Pi Kappa Alpha, but one administrator has his guesses.
“I think they did it to make the KAs look that much cooler by comparison,” said Bob Brown, Dean of Student Life, “When viewed objectively, the KAs probably realized they’re pretty lame. But in comparison to the Pikes, it’s no wonder why everyone wants to go to their parties. All I know for sure is that this, in addition to last week’s Nickelback scandal, means I’m definitely going to have to kick Pike off campus for a little while again”
— Horace Holley