Eminem Hired as Title IX Coordinator

LEXINGTON, KY – Marshall Mathers, perhaps better known by his stage name Eminem and his alter ego Slim Shady, has been hired as the first full-time Title IX Coordinator at Transylvania University, the school announced in a statement on Tuesday. He succeeds Ashley Hinton-Moncer, who is also the school’s director of Health and Wellness and who will remain in that position.

“We are incredibly excited to announce the hiring of Eminem”, said Hinton-Moncer. “I was nervous about how Title IX would be handled without me, but those fears have been allayed. Em is everything that we were looking for in a candidate. We needed someone who is familiar with the ongoing national dialogue on issues of discrimination and harassment, and who is more familiar with sexual discrimination and sensitivity than Eminem?”

The hiring has garnered widespread approval from those in the Transylvania community, including Eminem’s new boss, Dean of the College Laura Bryan “Feminist women love Eminem,” said Bryan, who says she first got to know him during the hiring process over a dinner of mom’s spaghetti. “He’s just so sensitive in everything that he says and does. We think that he’ll bring a real sense of calm to our campus.”

Sophomore John Mays agreed.

“He’s a true role model,” he said. “He’s someone that I truly believe will be not afraid to take a stand against discrimination.”

When reached by phone, Eminem said that he hopes his fame won’t affect how he will be received by students.

“It doesn’t matter what my name is. What matters is that I love helping people. It’s just the way I am,” he said. “I’d have a guilty conscience if I knew that I had a chance to influence these kids and didn’t take it. Their parents would never forgive me.”

However, Eminem did refute reports that Dr. Andre Young was in talks to become the school’s new nurse.

“Dr. Dre’s dead,” he said with a sigh. “He’s locked in MFA basement.”

–Alva Woods


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