Kim Davis Refuses Transylvania Parking Pass to Gay Student

After a long and hectic day at her part time County Clerk job in Rowan County, media-famous Kim Davis clocked in at Transylvania’s Office of Public Safety to issue out parking passes to students for the 2015-2016 year. She had finally escaped the onslaught of reporters and flashing cameras to fulfill her duties peacefully at the Lexington liberal arts college. That was until 3:27 PM yesterday.

Rising senior and respected campus leader Chris Connery entered the office wearing his rainbow-emblazoned ‘Lexington’ Kentucky for Kentucky shirt and politely asked for a parking pass, setting Kim Davis off into another tirade. She denied him a (notably overpriced) parking pass and began ranting after assuming that Connery was homosexual:

“This isn’t a case of Back Circle versus road-side parking, this is a case of heaven versus HELL,” boldly stated Davis, “How can I allow a student to safely park their vehicle on this campus when they don’t allow Jesus to take the wheel, and resort to such sins?!”

Davis, who has accrued a total of 7 parking tickets amounting to $520 in fines, is a clear authority of the right-and-wrong of the situation. She goes against Transylvania’s Board of Trustees recent ruling that gay students can legally park on campus, a much wiser authority. She defends her actions, citing an oddly specific and loosely applicable passage from the Bible, while totally ignoring critical and overarching elements of the holy text, such as “Thou shalt not park in fire zones”.

— Burris Jenkins


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