Year In Review: A Dumb, Meaningless Article

With the new residence hall coming up and Clay and Davis about to go down, another May Term has passed us faster than a change in administrative staff.

It has been a year of great change for Transylvania – we’ve witnessed the deconstruction of Back Circle, the disappearance of Vic from the 80, and even suffered from a serial infestation of Basilisk attacks. But possibly most exciting of all, this year has seen the formation of us, your very own community Shambler.

From our humble beginnings, we at the The Shambler have shared a common goal: uniting the campus through our mutual hatred of each other. We recognize that familiarity can breed contempt, and here at Transy we can all get pretty damn familiar. Rather than clog up social media with even more passive aggressive Tumblr posts, we’ve attempted to bring a little humor to the campus. Instead of soap boxes, we’ve gone with satire.

However, we recognize that our publication is, first and foremost, a work in progress. We exist to provide the campus with whatever it is they’ve decided they want this week. And what we’ve heard has been a resounding cry for hard-hitting, legitimate news. This university already has one faux-newspaper, it’s time someone stepped up to the plate to give the Transy student body the truth it so desperately believes is being withheld from them.

The magic of The Shambler is that we, unlike certain other organizations, don’t have to adhere to such burdens like “facts” and “journalistic integrity”. This means that we have the liberty to publish whatever ridiculous gossip is sent our way. Think that President Carey has something to hide? So do we. Don’t care for Sodexo? Fuck ‘em. We’re here to affirm whatever crazy rumors and speculation it takes to paint this university as the Orwellian nightmare it surely must be.

And on that note, we’d also like to get paid for doing this. We’re on call 3 hours a day, 5 hours a week, and we think that deserves recompense. Coming up with this nonsense isn’t easy – you can ask our friends at The Rambler.

The 2014-2015 year may be nearly over, but the future of the Shambler is looking brighter than ever. In coming semesters we look forward to becoming your most trusted source for campus news. Join us down the road to find out  how long it takes for Pike to lose its charter again, what pastry-related snafu Quentin Becker will be involved in next, and to finally discover what the hell PPE actually does stand for.

In closing, we’d also like to take the time to throw a shout-out to R. Owen Williams, our president-in-exile, without whom none of discontent this would have been possible. We love and you miss you, buddy.

Sincerely,

“Abraham Drake”

AKA, Jesse Johnson

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