Conspiracy Theories Abound In SGA Presidential Race

The lack of a decisive victor in the recent SGA Presidential election has given rise to a multitude of conspiracy theories concerning the outcome of the race.  Currently it is believed that voting errors in Hazelrigg Hall have caused the delay, and that Transylvania Student Government is awaiting a ruling from a Hazelrigg court to determine if the position will be awarded to a Texas Conservative or an environmentally-friendly Liberal.  In addition, supporters of each candidate are demanding the long-form birth certificate of their opponent, claiming that each want to usurp the SGA Constitution and “destroy Transylvania”.

In a surprising turn of events, evidence has come forth that those working for the Becker campaign broke into the headquarters of the Maughmer campaign late at night, only to be seen by a simpleton from Alabama, who had a full view of the events from his hotel room across the street.  Many are claiming that the evidence shot on camera by this witness is enough to indict, but others assert that the amount of evidence compiled suggests that there must have been a second shooter.

Even fringe groups have emerged during this election controversy, some of whom make outlandish claims like “Spring Fling was an inside job” citing that balloons don’t inflate at that temperature.  Others, gaining support from the recent revelation concerning that Editor of The Rambler, assert that both candidates are shape-shifting lizard-people bent on the destruction of Earth.  As this is a liberal arts university, the claims of these groups are just as valid as others.

– Henry Bidleman Bascom


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