Introducing the Shambler’s Endorsements for SGA Elections, 2015

Lexington-

Though Transy’s campus has been struck with a nasty combo of rolling wi-fi and AC outages that one analyst described as “literally worse than the bubonic plague and the hypothetical eruption of the Yellowstone Super Volcano combined”, the Shambler worked through the night to publish its election endorsements.

It is the sincere hope of this publication that the endorsements and information presented here will help the student body elect the most effective Student Government possible.


President: Owen Williams

The dark horse candidate of the elections, preliminary polls showed that most students didn’t even realize that Williams was running for the position. However, word has recently begun to spread, and he has recently gained much traction among the students. When asked to comment on the recent wi-fi crisis, Williams had this to say: “I am very rich. I plan on throwing, literally throwing, wads of cash at the server system until it starts functioning. Or I’ll just fire it and bring on a new server”. That sounds like a plan to us.

Overall, Williams is the natural choice. After all, he has a history of being extremely successful in Presidential positions, becoming the easy favorite of those around him. The Shambler assures the students of Transy that at least one of our reporters received like, at least an A- in Intro to Politics, so it is safe to trust our opinion. If that’s not enough, our Dads say Williams is the clear choice for the office. You think you know more than our dads?


Vice President: the Vengeful Ghost of Constantine Rafinesque

As everyone is aware, many locations on Transylvania’s campus are named after this important professor from the early 1800s. An important biologist, Rafinesque is widely known for placing a curse on Transylvania after being exiled from the school. After years of torment, his body was moved to a tomb beneath Old Morrison to break the curse, but this move only opened up the door for more problems.

Rafinesque’s ghost has since been haunting the campus for years. Many atrocities are attributed to this rage-filled spirit, and he is currently suspect in the great internet outage of 2015, an ongoing issue.

However, giving the ghost responsibilities has proven to reduce the number of paranormal attacks he is able to conduct. It is for this reason that Rafinesque was originally hired as the Shambler’s own on-staff reporter. Make him the Vice-President of SGA and he won’t haunt anyone. Probably.


Chief of Staff: Drew Preston

When considering the position of Chief of Staff, only the candidates who bring an extensive background of political experience to the table can make the cut. That is why sophomore Drew Preston is the Shambler’s choice for this year’s election. Preston not only has the type of deep political experience that can only come from being a second-year undergrad student, but also knows how to address the difficult issues of diversity that the campus has been facing lately.

From his Hazelrigg room, Drew promises to tackle the tough issues, saying “I know how to fix things for you people, I promise”.

The Shambler could not get in touch with Preston, most likely because he was busy opening fan mail.


Chief of Finance: Montez

Montez is the clear choice for Chief of Finance. When he’s not making flatbreads, he’s making mad cash. He no longer has “money problems”, and with him handling TUSGA’s finances, neither will the students.

Enough said.

-Reuben Cave

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