Lexington, KY. – In a recent emergency press conference, Transylvania Athletic Director Holly Sheilley announced that the school will start a polo team to increase the number of wealthy white males in the student population, stating “we had hoped that the recent addition of a lacrosse team would allow us to reach the waspy elitism that you find at the nation’s top institutions, but it just hasn’t had the desired effect.”
A major theme of the press conference was the concern that recent press would drive away Transylvania’s foundational demographic. Said Sheilley “In a perfect world I’d be announcing the start of a sailing team right now, but due to geography we’ve had to settle for the next best thing.”
The administration hopes that the polo team will give rise to associated organizations on campus such as a Cuff-Link Collecting Club, Prenuptial Agreement prep courses, or a Most Dangerous Game Hunting Society.
– Henry Bidleman Bascom