LEXINGTON, KY. – Fragrant smoke rises from the University tonight after a freak accident has resulted in the utter incineration of Transylvania’s campus.
According to the Lexington Fire Department’s assessment of the damage, the terrifying blaze can be linked back to a Davis dorm room, where a pair of unwitting arsonists had lit a Vanilla Bean Yankee candle in utter disregard of human decency and life. The flames, aided by the building’s freakish levels of asbestos and alcohol saturation, spread quickly throughout the halls, and within seconds the entirety of campus had been consumed in the fire.
This tragedy has been the realization of every Resident Advisor’s nightmares. “We’ve been warning our residents for years that this was a life-or-death situation,” said one Davis RA. “Candles are not toys – they’re serious, and they’re for grown-ups. This is only college, we can’t trust our residents with this kind of grave responsibility.”
The Assistant Director of Student Life had this to say in the aftermath of the tragedy: “I knew this would happen. I’ve been saying this would happen all along. Well, who’s laughing now?”
Despite the majority of its offices and residences having been reduced to ashes, the Transy administration remains optimistic. In a public response addressing the destruction, school officials claimed that this fire has actually saved the university several thousands of dollars in demolition fees. “Plus, we’re gunna make a killing with those insurance claims,” said one board member. “We really couldn’t be happier.”
– Abraham Drake