Generally a calm and nominally friendly community, school officials today urged faculty and students to remain cautious after an unprecedented crime wave has swept the campus.
It began Monday morning when a distressed student filed an emergency report with the school’s Department of Public Safety. According to the Chief of Campus Security, the student in question had been crossing through the Forrer Courtyard when an unknown assailant slipped in front of them. The aggressor then exited into the building’s front lobby. That is, without first holding the door open for their fellow student.
“It all happened so fast,” said the victim in their report. “I was just on my way to fail a Chem test when they came out of nowhere. They didn’t even say ‘excuse me’. They just kept on walking. I mean, who does that?” A sobering question that has school administrators baffled.
In response to this unrivaled tragedy, the University President has raised the university’s emergency awareness status from Indigo to Turquoise, advising all non-essential staff to remain far away from any entrances or exits until the likely psychotic perpetrator can be detained. “Our school will not be held hostage by a maniac,” he promised, transferring all funds from the school’s fifth planned athletics facility to the pursuit of the renegade door-shutter.
Though investigators lack much description of this unknown lunatic, the Department of Public Safety has insured students and faculty swift justice. “This isn’t just a case of noise complaints or cameras malfunctioning, its goddamn common courtesy,” swore Chief in a public statement this afternoon. “And just as soon as we get parking tickets handed out, we’ll have this whole school under lock-down.”