LEXINGTON, KY – Junior student Linda McCallister has officially declared herself the busiest student on campus. She claims her constant activity is the result of a few different factors.
“Well, most importantly I’m a Chemistry major,” McCallister said, smiling slightly, “That means I’m automatically busier than everyone else. Those Humanities kids don’t really know what busy means. I spend 4 hours every night writing formulas and equations, while they all just sit around smoking pot and listening to Dave Matthews Band.”
When asked why she felt it necessary to make the declaration, McCallister commented, “I just felt like people needed to know. I don’t want to hear you complain about how little free time you have. I’m definitely busier than you, whoever you are. In Haupt, they sit around talking about their feelings all day. In Cowgill, I’m pretty sure they’re just watching Wolf of Wall Street on repeat. But me, I’m doing real work. On top of that, I volunteer once a month, and work in the library for 6 hours every week. So yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m the busiest student on campus. Now leave me alone, I have work to do.”
Linda could later be seen pacing the 2nd floor of the science building, laughing to herself.