LEXINGTON, KY – Following a week of periodical mental breakdowns and no less than seven emergency visits with their advisor, one Transy resident reports spending a full 24 hours free of soul-crushing doubt.
The student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of their parents finding out and planning a surprise visit, says that this day of clarity couldn’t have come more unexpectedly. “Just yesterday I had been worrying about switching my Marine Psychology major back to Agricultural Literature for the 11thtime,” they said, chain smoking cigarettes while desperately browsing next year’s course listings. “It was all so sudden. I just remember feeling like a human being – but for an entire day.”
This sudden outbreak of reality has school administration and faculty baffled. Some professors believe that the moment of sanity can be blamed on a lack of assigned readings, which offers students a dangerous precedent of free time. In opposition, many psychology department staff predict that this phenomenon was merely an isolated psychotic episode.
Whatever the source, the extent of this calm has only been temporary. In attempting to follow-up with the student, we discovered that they had since locked themselves in a maintenance closet with a research paper. More on this story as it develops.
— Abraham Drake