It’s been yet another year of transition for Greek Life here on Transy’s campus (will they ever catch a break?!?), and we’ve brought you every second of it here at the Shambler. To save ourselves time and effort and the campus some humility, we’re packing all of the end of year events into this article. In this edition, we’ll take a look into the fraternity’s final moments of the school year.
Tragedy struck Delta Sigma Phi in Knoxville when a Titanic reenactment became a real-life disaster. Teary-eyed seniors and famous Transy couple Cady Cornell and Eli Hack were attempting to portray characters Jack and Rose from the legendary boat catastrophe on the ship’s bow during Sig’s annual Boat Formal event. Unbeknownst to them and just as Cady announced “I’m flying!” on the bow, an anonymous junior made his way to the captain’s deck and vomited on the control board. Now unaware of which way was which and covered in puke, the captain steered the boat into the side of downtown Knoxville, surprisingly splitting the boat in half.
The security guards who were busy getting it on the dancefloor with wasted college kids were unable to reach the lifejackets in time, meaning thousands of dollars of suits and dresses were soon to be ruined by the Knoxville river. However, very unlike the Titanic, fraternity men did not allow the women first access to lifeboats that were brought by Knoxville rescue services, due to their drunken stupor. Instead, it was a mad scramble by everyone to board the flimsy floatation devices, causing even more mayhem. Miraculously, and to the disdain of much of Transy’s community, all individuals made it safely onto the shore.
Needless to say, Delta Sig did not receive their safety deposit back from the boat company.
In other news, Phi Kappa Tau’s Canada trip took an interesting turn at the border between countries. President Donald Trump’s border security apparently became confused about which side of the country they were supposed to begin construction of the Wall™ as Phi Taus quickly became aware of as traffic was backed up for miles on end. Unhappy frat boys piled out of cars to storm Trump’s impending monolith, tearing it down brick-by-brick with their enhanced drunken strength in some weird, modern day Wall of Jericho-like instance.
Said one Phi Tau about the event: “Who knew the President’s construction team was more incompetent than he was?” Festivities resumed in Ontario as the cars moved happily past the border as confused and apologetic Canadians stood by and threw donuts for the college wrecking crew. President Trump later commented in a tweet, “Wow, sad to see it! We will now be looking to have Canada pay for the misuse of our materials, as it’s totally not our fault. Fake news!”
Transy fans of the reality TV show the Bachelor can now fill the void left by the season finale by staying tuned to the campus station to witness the unfolding drama of Kappa Alpha Order’s Gentlemen’s Week. Countless Transylvanians are eagerly awaiting the May Term reveal of who will finally receive the Head Rose from the fraternity, a reveal sure to surprise everyone (or no one). Two remain as the group of 30 contestants has shrunken to just 10 for the Rose Court, and the runner-up will join them. They’ve had an entire week to get to know the gentlemen of the Order, so needless to say these men know these women like no other, and the Head Rose will be the perfect match for them. Right?
Kappa Alpha has faced some controversy for transforming the event into something “too much like the show,” but former President Matthew Parker assured the campus “We’re definitely not copying them.” Surprisingly, the dissent quieted following this statement, because he’s perfect and why would he lie to us? Tune in tonight at 9PM for the censored results of this week’s events, followed by an hour-long special of the Order drunkenly singing their fraternity’s anthem, “Dixie.”
Finally, all of the immortal Pi Kappa Alpha’s seven members and their dates chose to forgo their “Dreamgirl” event, claiming it caused too much confusion with Phi Kappa Tau and the women they honor with their letters. This came following last year’s disaster of Phi Kappa Tau showing up at the event expecting a red carpet-like rollout for their Dreamgirls and receiving none. To avoid the same mistakes, the fraternity’s president (who might still be in transition or is unknown or who really knows who the PIKE president is anymore, anyway) decided it was best to nix the age-old tradition and instead pay homage to their fraternity mascot.
Yes, PIKE decided to party their tails off in a Fire House this year, bringing new meaning to the phrase “lit function, bro.” No news as of now whether this event will continue yearly, but that is partly due to the fact we didn’t know which member was elected president and, in turn, who to reach for a comment…
We hope you join us for yet another exciting and awful year of ~fake news~ here at the Shambler next academic year, and stayed tuned throughout the summer for all the great Transy updates.
- Reuben Cave