Fraternity Wrap-Up: 2017 — Transy Greek Life Still In Shambles

 

It’s been yet another year of transition for Greek Life here on Transy’s campus (will they ever catch a break?!?), and we’ve brought you every second of it here at the Shambler. To save ourselves time and effort and the campus some humility, we’re packing all of the end of year events into this article. In this edition, we’ll take a look into the fraternity’s final moments of the school year.

 

Tragedy struck Delta Sigma Phi in Knoxville when a Titanic reenactment became a real-life disaster. Teary-eyed seniors and famous Transy couple Cady Cornell and Eli Hack were attempting to portray characters Jack and Rose from the legendary boat catastrophe on the ship’s bow during Sig’s annual Boat Formal event. Unbeknownst to them and just as Cady announced “I’m flying!” on the bow, an anonymous junior made his way to the captain’s deck and vomited on the control board. Now unaware of which way was which and covered in puke, the captain steered the boat into the side of downtown Knoxville, surprisingly splitting the boat in half.

The security guards who were busy getting it on the dancefloor with wasted college kids were unable to reach the lifejackets in time, meaning thousands of dollars of suits and dresses were soon to be ruined by the Knoxville river. However, very unlike the Titanic, fraternity men did not allow the women first access to lifeboats that were brought by Knoxville rescue services, due to their drunken stupor. Instead, it was a mad scramble by everyone to board the flimsy floatation devices, causing even more mayhem. Miraculously, and to the disdain of much of Transy’s community, all individuals made it safely onto the shore.

Needless to say, Delta Sig did not receive their safety deposit back from the boat company.

 

In other news, Phi Kappa Tau’s Canada trip took an interesting turn at the border between countries. President Donald Trump’s border security apparently became confused about which side of the country they were supposed to begin construction of the Wallas Phi Taus quickly became aware of as traffic was backed up for miles on end. Unhappy frat boys piled out of cars to storm Trump’s impending monolith, tearing it down brick-by-brick with their enhanced drunken strength in some weird, modern day Wall of Jericho-like instance.

Said one Phi Tau about the event: “Who knew the President’s construction team was more incompetent than he was?” Festivities resumed in Ontario as the cars moved happily past the border as confused and apologetic Canadians stood by and threw donuts for the college wrecking crew. President Trump later commented in a tweet, “Wow, sad to see it! We will now be looking to have Canada pay for the misuse of our materials, as it’s totally not our fault. Fake news!”

 

Transy fans of the reality TV show the Bachelor can now fill the void left by the season finale by staying tuned to the campus station to witness the unfolding drama of Kappa Alpha Order’s Gentlemen’s Week. Countless Transylvanians are eagerly awaiting the May Term reveal of who will finally receive the Head Rose from the fraternity, a reveal sure to surprise everyone (or no one). Two remain as the group of 30 contestants has shrunken to just 10 for the Rose Court, and the runner-up will join them. They’ve had an entire week to get to know the gentlemen of the Order, so needless to say these men know these women like no other, and the Head Rose will be the perfect match for them. Right?

Kappa Alpha has faced some controversy for transforming the event into something “too much like the show,” but former President Matthew Parker assured the campus “We’re definitely not copying them.” Surprisingly, the dissent quieted following this statement, because he’s perfect and why would he lie to us? Tune in tonight at 9PM for the censored results of this week’s events, followed by an hour-long special of the Order drunkenly singing their fraternity’s anthem, “Dixie.”

 

Finally, all of the immortal Pi Kappa Alpha’s seven members and their dates chose to forgo their “Dreamgirl” event, claiming it caused too much confusion with Phi Kappa Tau and the women they honor with their letters. This came following last year’s disaster of Phi Kappa Tau showing up at the event expecting a red carpet-like rollout for their Dreamgirls and receiving none. To avoid the same mistakes, the fraternity’s president (who might still be in transition or is unknown or who really knows who the PIKE president is anymore, anyway) decided it was best to nix the age-old tradition and instead pay homage to their fraternity mascot.

Yes, PIKE decided to party their tails off in a Fire House this year, bringing new meaning to the phrase “lit function, bro.” No news as of now whether this event will continue yearly, but that is partly due to the fact we didn’t know which member was elected president and, in turn, who to reach for a comment…

 

We hope you join us for yet another exciting and awful year of ~fake news~ here at the Shambler next academic year, and stayed tuned throughout the summer for all the great Transy updates.

 

  • Reuben Cave

BREAKING:Transylvania Dean Colluding With Centre Admissions Ambassadors

After rumors and theories and undeniable proof began circulating about President Donald Trump’s connection with Russia, Transylvanian authorities became concerned about a similar scandal arising with their esteemed officials. Over the past month, President Seamus Carey issued the Department of Public Safety to conduct a thorough investigation of all Old Morrison inhabitants.

This weekend, DPS revealed the results of their extensive search of over 120 members of the administration. Chief Muravchick held a press conference where he reported that over 30 of these individuals in the faculty/staff directory had been employed as admissions counselors/counter-intelligence spies for Centre College. The highest ranking official on the list: Vice President for Academic Affairs Dean Laura Bryan.

Chief’s report exhumed data in Bryan’s email correspondence with Mother Danville dating as far back as day one of her term in office, with the first subject line reading “What A Bunch of Schmucks” and detailing how she had “flawlessly” incorporated herself into the Transy administration. Other threads explained her attempts to destabilize the foundation of the administration from the top down, even after she admitted that “Transy was doing a decent job of that themselves.”

“I had my doubts from the day a group of us students vetted her for the job,” said senior Kelli Carpenter. “Maybe it was the Centre jersey I noticed in the back of her car, that slight Boyle County accent or that she kept bringing up how Transy ‘just doesn’t do it like Centre.’ Truthfully, I’m not sure how she made it this far through the process unscathed, until I realized that none of the other students in the SGA-organized Caf lunch actually went here.” Further investigation into the lunch conversation Bryan revealed that Carpenter was the only Transy student in attendance; others had been replaced with Centre students.

When first confronted about the news, the Vice President deflected with nonsense interjections of “wrong,” “fake news” and “sad.” However, Bryan was later seen running from DPS officials in Alumni Plaza aided by the Centre mascot, “The Praying Colonel” (whatever the f*ck that is) that had reportedly been living in the tunnels of Forrer since she took office. DPS gave up chase after the pair sped off in a Centre College Basketball bus, no doubt on their way back to Danville.

In other news, Bryan’s newly appointed nominee for Associate Dean of Academic Affairs Betty SoVed warns students of possible grizzly bear attacks on their walk to class.

-Reuben Cave

Transylvania to Give Up Access to TUWIFI for Lent

 

The recent Rambler ban from Transy press conferences has hindered the student community from knowing about this policy. However, the Shambler will remain committed to bringing students coverage of the news and for generations to come.

As Lent approaches and numerous college students across the U.S. pledge to give up meat in an effort to become a vegetarian so they might have another cool talking point at the next party, Transylvania University is proposing to ban access to the student wifi ‘TUWIFI’ as an effort to save on budgeting costs for future scholarships. This new Lent ban will prohibit access for 40 days and supposedly save the university millions over the coming weeks.

When questioned about the new policy, a spokesman for the university said, “We didn’t expect this much backlash. If we take away the wifi then most of the students will quit getting cynical emails from Dr. Dugi, they won’t have to turn in papers online, and they can forget about online readings. Plus, the amount of money we spend on wifi is ludicrous, it could easily be given to a prospective student on the edge of deciding between Centre and Transy.”

Students have been expressing a massive distaste for the proposed new policy. During the what is now being deemed as the Back-Circle Protests, one female student was quoted as saying, “My friend is going to a fraternity function this weekend, how am I supposed to tell her she’s hashtag cute with a smiling face with heart-eyes?” During the Protests, students started yelling, “We pay 40k, bring back the wifi-today.”

Local student Dane Ritter has enthusiastically supported this new policy by going to Facebook and posting, “Y’all, this is exactly what we need! We lose so much of our lives being online when the real meaningful interactions are face to face with other individuals. For darn’s sake, this is what college is about!” Another student, Hunter Overstreet, said, “Yeah, I’m from Boyle County and I’d give a little extra so someone doesn’t have to go to Centre.”

Local students are decrying the new 40 day lent travel ban onto the internet and many more are waiting to see if the lent program will work in bringing students to a Transylvania Home.

  • Dawn Holterhumph

 

Greek Weekend Blunder: Delta Sig’s “These Hands Don’t Haze,” Wins Best Instagram Picture Over Chi O’s Musical “Unlearn Fear and Hate

(First off, it should be established that Chi O’s video is not a musical, people are only calling it a musical because there is a fantastic music score which happens to accompany dialogue in the video and for all intents and purposes the video is not a musical.)

Greek Weekend has come and gone and despite the many riveting speeches and the many teary eyed Greeks accepting their awards, the final award for Best Instagram Picture was awarded to Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze.” The early favorite for Best Instagram Picture was Chi O’s musical entry, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” with 600 views and featured a crowd favorite song backing their Insta message. This musical came much to the joy and applause of the Transy community who seldom see any sort of musicals this day and age. Insta fans around the Transy community hailed this as a revitalization of the musical platform once copiously used in the old college Instagram days but now seldom seen today. Their counterpart, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” by Delta Sigma Phi, was heralded as an important message for fraternities as they seek to grow from their stereotypical ‘hazing’ surrounding while trying to work through the complexity of life to better themselves in a community that doesn’t understand them.

Austin Stephens, the Greek responsible for announcing the Best Instagram Picture winner, initially tried to perform a stand-up routine during the awards ceremony in an effort to stall the much-anticipated winner of the Best Instagram Picture category. It was only after jeers and taunts came at Austin whereupon he said, “Alright, well ya’know what, I’ll just read this card I got here in my hand and hope for the best.” After initially declaring Chi Omega’s Musical, “Unlearn Fear and Hate,” the winner, Austin received the correct envelope declaring Delta Sigma Phi’s, “These Hands Don’t Haze,” the true Best Instagram Picture Winner. Even with Chi O’s members having already gave their speech, they pronounced Delta Sig the true winners of the Best Instagram Picture category and handed over their trophies.

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Cheers rang out from the crowd as they realized the category was won by Delta Sig. Delta Sig soon ran onstage trampled all the Chi O’s and Mr. Stephens, and then proceeded to sacrifice their trophies to summon the Sphinx – an ancient symbol of their fraternity. Ex-president Erik Mudrak said, “Yeah, everything we do, we do with the aims of appeasing this great beast.” If one thing is for certain, it is that the Sphinx may go to sleep at night knowing that Delta Sig is the best.

 

  • Dawn Holterhumph

‘Indy Weekend’ Aims To Outdo Greek Weekend, Is Mistaken For Music Festival

Following the always riveting and not at all gag-inducing pleasure that is Transylvania University’s Greek Weekend, Lexington’s famous liberal arts campus prepares to gear up for their just-as-exciting Indy Weekend™, although to slight confusion.

Large masses of the student body lined up outside of the Director of Campus and Community Engagement office belonging to Hunter Williams in the early morning hours Monday, hoping to attain what was promised to be a limited supply of free, three-day, all-inclusive passes. What students soon came to realize after she arrived was that it was indeed not a three-day music festival chockful of their favorite Indie and Alternative acts, but a disappointing series of events celebrating the diversity and inclusivity of Transy’s independent students.

Said senior Alex Cesar about the mix-up: “I was really just looking forward to that Bon Iver set on Old Morrison lawn, you know. It’s hard to find bands like this in a serene outdoor setting that’s a five minute walk from your room.”

It wasn’t long before word swept through the line of 200 students, sending Transy’s resident hipsters and music fanatics alike into an unthinkable rage. Chanting broke out, and suddenly pitchforks and torches appeared among the crowd as the mass of people attempted to reenact the legendary Native American raid on Old Morrison, making the “Indy/Indie Catastrophe” only the third time school has been cancelled for Transylvanians since the Civil War.

President Seamus Carey asks students for patience and understanding as they clear the Campus Center of any remaining flannel shirts and wool caps that were discarded during the riot. Hunter Williams and Serenity Wright could not be reached for a comment at this time, as they are attempting to research just what a “Vampire Weekend” is, and if there will be any available space on campus to reserve for yet another weekend of events.

– Reuben Cave

Romanian Immigration Site Crashes As Transylvania Students & Faculty Look For New Home

Trying to find a safe haven in Romania? Think again. As the electoral college started turning red, Transylvania University’s blue campus looked for a place to relocate. One student was quoted as saying, “Canada is nice and all but Transylvania will always be my home. If I can’t have it in the U.S. I’ll gladly have it overseas.” Another student enthusiastically chimed in, “I’d gladly take Vlad the Impaler as my supreme ruler over Donald Trump.”

This does raise big questions for a university that is already struggling to keep and retain students. The Transylvania Administration has issued a statement saying they will gladly set up a new institution of learning and higher achievement in the Transylvania Region of Romania. The administration’s official release has been provided for all to read:

“For numerous years people have associated Transylvania University with Romania: Dracula, the Transylvania Region and Bats. Today and effective immediately, it is our pleasure to announce Transylvania University will be moving all operations to Romania. Romania has met all of our requirements to establish higher learning like old glorious buildings and dilapidated residence spaces and tombs but it also has things which can truly make our university great like pedestrian-only walkways. And, don’t worry, we have checked, SODEXO can conduct business in Romania so we can still have home cooked meals at night.”

As Transy starts this relocation process, problems are already starting to arise. Problem one, the Romanian immigration website has crashed and students and faculty alike don’t know when it will be up again. Problem two is getting there. The University has started a plane registration system on TNET for students to find seats on planes to take them to Romania but there are simply not enough seats and not enough planes. Freshman are struggling to register and find seats while seniors are overjoyed they got into a plane of their choice.

Always yours

Dawn Holteruhmp

University To Demolish New Buildings, Sell Tickets To Balance Budget

In a surprising turn, the university administration has decided to pursue a new business plan to keep both tuition and academic aid rates the same for forthcoming years. How you might ask? An undisclosed source within the administration provided some background knowledge.

“Admission numbers are dropping and I don’t think anyone but a select few individuals know. We all started to ask, why do we need these new buildings if our enrollment numbers are never going to increase? Clearly if we build it, they won’t come. We’ve tried that logic and it doesn’t work.”

The financial plan proposed during the new business meeting offered a quick solution to fix the looming debt.

“We looked at the books, checked them once, then checked it twice, saw our mistake was more naughty than nice, and we decided to bring this plan to town. We call it Demolate Davis 2.0”

So what is Demolate Davis 2.0?

“Demolate Davis 2.0 is exactly what it sounds like.” After no further elaboration, a question and answer session told the press that Demolate Davis 2.0 was a plan to demolish the two unfinished buildings and sell tickets for the demolition to the Lexington public so that the university can bring in a revenue to cover the construction debt. From there, the scrapped material will be sold and contribute to student academic aid rates.

“It’s going to be huge. This demolition, a great demolition, we know our demolitions. We’ve done it once and we’ll do it twice. We’re going to get the same construction company working on it.” As of now there have been delays in the demolition process.

However, the planned demolition has tentatively been scheduled for December 25th – just after construction is said to be complete. “I think the greatest present we can give to our community is the glamor and spectacle of two buildings being demolished. And who knows, we’ve found mold in the other building so the audience may get a free encore…”

– Dawn Holterhumph

 

Greeks Grossly Promote Geometry, Higher Forms

It is time for the Shambler to come out of the darkness of our secret writing lab and improve our journalism. Namely, we want to get inside scoop and really get to know our students as opposed to drawing our broad opinions based on a few vague observations. That’s why we’re making this the first part of a one-part series about Transy student life.

The first concern we were told when interviewing students was about one of Transy’s most elitist cliques, the Pythagoreans, whose alleged elitism has really generated a discussion on the exclusivity of greek life. English major Margaret Dragon had this to say to the Shambler about the Transy’s most infamous inner circle.

“Yeah, I’ve personally never talk to the Pythagoreans in my life but I know for sure that they create ingroups and outgroups, you know? Just yesterday I followed them to their rooms and overheard them talking about sacred geometry. These greek societies keep wonderful, esoteric benefits like these to themselves and it just really bothers me, you know?”

We spoke to one of the Pythagoreans themselves, sister Kaelly Thomasse about the issue.

“Anybody who calls out our greek ways assuredly misunderstands our secret lives and the values we uphold that we learn during our secret ritual. Not that squares have any special significance to us. Or that we think squares are sacred. I’ve personally never made plans with groups of four people including myself on principle. J-j-just making sure you know!”

Our interviewers could easily tell that greek society at large was in a tizzy over the issue of cliques like that of the Pythagoreans. To investigate further, we interviewed an independent Greek shipping maven, Macedonus Holotopolis, on his thoughts about the Pythagoreans’ savage exclusivity and unsophisticated ideals.

“Man, I really wish I could know what those Pythagoreans are up to. They hold public banquets and host charity events for the Spartans, but I’ve never been to any! I have to disagree with their logic, though. Their belief in higher forms is problematic, because what I perceive is more important than the truer forms of geometry.”

What can the Shambler gather from all this? We’re not really sure. Stay tuned for our next interview series, where we interview the undead Spirits of Sandella’s.

-Richard Crossfield

Sodexo No Longer Accepting Bitcoins in the Caf

Whether you are looking for a grilled cheese or a fresh never frozen cheeseburger, the Caf has typically been very accommodating to diet restrictions and taste preferences. Among those accommodations have been payment plans. Sodexo offers many different combinations of meal swipes and dining dollars. For those not on meal plans, cash and credit have been traditional options. A survey of Sodexo cashiers in the past week has shown that they have successfully accepted Venmo, Cash App, Checks, Foreign Currency, UK Plus Accounts like most of Lexington, and Bitcoins as valid forms of payment.

“Figuring out how to make the Crimson Cash work instead of a normal meal swipe has been the easiest of the non-traditional payment methods,” reported an anonymous Late Night Caf employee.

However, the Shambler has learned of plans to eliminate Bitcoins from the long list of accepted payments methods.

Interim Sodexo General Manager, Mary Harvey, was asked about the new changes to Caf payment systems. “A lot of factors came into play with this decision. We realized that the Bitcoin conversion rate fluctuated too much day to day for the currency to be reasonable.” Meal swipes also did not match prices either. “One day Bitcoin swipes would equal $3, other days they would equal $1. Both conversions were too much value per swipe. We try to keep the value of a swipe to around 24 cents.”

No comment has been made about Bitcoins in the Raf. The Shambler has tried to discuss this matter with Raf representatives, but have not been able to find a time when the Raf was open.

Because Every Fox News Needs Its Onion

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